FAD and SAS

It's that time of year. Last year Tracy Hegelson and Jeanne Williamson started up websites. Jeanne's is Small Art Showcase, A collection of fine artists who are making their work accessible and affordable to art lovers and collectors. I'm happy to say that yesterday I sold a clock due to the exposure on Small Art Showcase. VERY COOL! Visit the fan page to see updates of new affordable, collectible works.

Tracy's site is The Fine Art Department. The Fine Art Department is a group of 27 fine artists, working together to promote our art. Fan page is here, again, be updated on new works as they happen. I am grateful and honored to be included in both sites, the art is stellar AND affordable. Consider buying art for the Holidays, perhaps have your special someone pick out their favorite piece and buy it for them. If you don't do it, who will?

As Christmas rolls around and people are scrambling to buy gifts, both sites are refreshing their photos and updating the websites. Art is a great gift as it fuels the artist and can give you years of inspiration and a sense of well being. I think buying a handmade piece from an artist has enormous value. Hone your senses. Learn to see. Realize that people who take the time to devote their lives to creating one of kind unique pieces are giving their heart and soul to something that cannot even begin to compare with a mass produced item. Buying art is such an expansive thing to do....it will open you up if you let it. Take you to places that never existed prior. These two sites are a great place to start if you want to find affordable art by people who are serious and devoted to their passion.

Both Tracy and Jeanne are amazing at what they do. Tracy does mysterious, eerie paintings of landscapes, people as well as abstractions. She exhibitions in the New England area and is someone to watch on the radar screen. Her works have been exhibited in many fine art galleries, both as group and solo. In January she is having her 4th solo exhibition at the Harrison Gallery in Williamstown, MA., GO! if you are in that area!!! I even have a small painting of hers she gave me that I, the minimalist, covet.

Jeanne is another artist I find fascinating, her Mixed Media works are industrial in a very unusual way as she combines printmaking, painting, collage, and stitching into her art work. Jeanne is having a solo show 'Off the Fence', at the Hunt Cavanagh Gallery at Providence College in Providence RI, which closes on December 4th. If you are in that area you wont want to miss it!

Thank you Tracy and Jeanne for creating such wonderful sites for artists!

still no clue?

I can't say i miss vermont. the beauty, yes. i miss being able to walk outside right smack dab into nature and get lost in the beauty. can't say huntsville is in the beauty category but it does make up for that lack in the nice people department.

i've been here in texas something like 6 weeks now and i guess it feels like i'm slipping into some of my old thought patterns. not good. you see, turns out i'm not jumping in and learning how to build houses. i could i guess, if thats what i wanted to do. but the more i hang out and see what is going on and what is going to go on, the more confused i'm feeling about what i want to do.

tod got the website up and a design store is now a part of the phoenix commotion. the point of that is to help bring in funds for them as well as the artists involved. that could be me. it's a chance to make functional art with perhaps a wider audience/chance to sell. right now i need to get some income coming in before i take time to learn or do much else. problem is my head is telling me i'm just going to fill up our smaller space with more stuff as it 'waits' to be sold. it's starting to not be fun living with so few creature comforts. not feeling like inviting anyone over because there isn't anywhere to sit and the place, quite frankly, looks disheveled and ugly as we still have boxes and crap piled up. it's the longest i've ever tolerated living so chaotically and there is no end in site. if we dont start bringing in money we will have to move end of our 6 months lease to an even smaller place. not sure thats something i can handle. sometimes all i want is a cozy room with a couch, a bed, a bathtub and a chance to just be alone and rest.

so the old thought patterns just look ahead and panic. i still dont know what i'm supposed to be doing. its been rougher on me physically than i would like, not sleeping so good and not feeling fresh and alive, nor ready for hard work or any normal schedule. it's all an adjustment. it will probably take another month or so to better know where or if i belong. i can't remember the last time i felt like anyone was interested in who i was. is that what getting older feels like? i catch myself wondering if i'm supposed to be here and where if anywhere else i should be. i haven't felt like i belong anywhere in a long long time.

just a few street finds

tod and i have found lots of glass, washers, porcelean stuff in parking lots some are too good to pass up bringing home

nothing too astonishing, but good for working into the next art project

doll laying face down in the perimeter of an abandoned lot, i left her untouched. seemed like she needed to be left alone

Walker Evans quote

this morning on jeanamaries blog she linked to a quote and works by Walker Evans. I LOVE what he says and feel strongly the same about feeling, working blindly and not getting overly intellectual:

"I am self taught, and I still think that is a good way to be. You learn as you go and do. It is a little slow, but I think that's the way to work...

I have had a good number of years of more or less compulsive photography; I am devoted to it, and still get a great deal of excitement out of looking at things and getting them the way I want. However, you won't find me overly intellectual about what we are all interested in doing.

I work rather blindly, and I don't think an awful lot about what I am doing. I have a theory that seems to work with me that some of the best things you ever do sort of come through you. You don't know where you get the impetus and the response to what is before your eyes, but you are using your eyes all the time and teaching yourself unconsciously really from morning to night.

There are several tenets that go with this craft of ours. One of them is that the real gift and value in a picture is really not a thought; it is a sensation that is based on a feeling. Most people in our tradition are basically rather scared of feeling. You have to unpeel that before you can really get going and not be afraid of feeling".

from Inside the Photograph by Peter C Bunnell

back to now what

as a full time artist working for no one but myself, i find it challenging to know what to do next. after the rush of a project is over and the high dissolves into unseen particles, i must then refocus and find the next thing.

it was a relief when we got here last month to have dan suggest i make some bone furniture to be exhibited at the Doss Heritage & Culture Center in weatherford, texas. i felt pressure and stress, but was excited and given purpose. a few posts down for those of you who haven't seen, i indeed made two tables which will exhibit later this week.

i was flying last week let me tell you! and now i'm stumbling around looking for familiarity or clues to whats next. working on the new blog also kept me busy, but as you artists know, if ya aint making art, things dont feel right inside. i feel little to no pull to make my own art. meaning, back to my clocks or puzzle or mixed media works. those works are packed up as are most of the materials that i use to make them. all that rusty scrappy stuff just takes up too much space to lay out and work on and it still feels like i need to be working with what is available here and now. it's hard to know if in the future, some far off time when i can only imagine how i might actually have the space and time to dig out all my materials, if i will indeed revisit those bodies of work. i hear some artists are like that, they make a few here and there and move on. if i keep moving on i get the feeling my art will follow suit. just means next time we move i dont lug all the collected materials with me!

so today tod and i will go to the bone house, its sunday so there might not be anyone around. i'm going to savant myself into an art mode i hope. the phoenix commotion now has a design store with the idea in mind that artists can make art based on the theme of whatever project is in the works. that means, bones and wood and mirror to match the bone house theme. the design store is a great idea as the sales will benefit the artist and the phoenix commotion, fueling both at once. the challenging part is creating functional art that isn't too expensive or too kitschy. i've been a bit stumped honestly as i can't keep making bone furniture unless they get more bones (supply is limited right now) and we find out that there is demand. i don't want to fall into a crafty mode and make something stupid but i can't be making $1200 pieces either. good challenge isn't it!

so. up and down and on and off. back to that 'what am i doing' mantra and looking for an answer. at least it isn't boring....

found

tod and i like walking around huntsville. we find little scrappy things, like this smashed paper cup holder(?) that appears almost rusted and metallic. we almost always see someone we know or someone sees us. not a day goes by we aren't out there walking and something seems to happen. i marvel. it's a little place considering it is a city. it feels like 2 major streets with little dinky alphabet signs filling in the gaps. little neighborhoods. little houses. little life.

last week we went walking and out of the blue someone called my name. 'paulaaaaaaa' i looked. it was a woman i had just met a few days ago. so tod and i walk up to her vehicle at the jiffy lube and are introduced to her husband and before you know it we are passengers going off to her friends storage unit to see about a bed she thought might be there. she is helping her friend sell off the stuff so it was perfect timing. it was great to meet people who live outside of huntsville (she is from new york but been in texas 20 years) and who understood completely our culture shock and incredulousness about the lack of good food in grocery stores. i felt an immediate kinship with her. i felt even closer as we were later driving down the main drag with a box spring loaded onto their vehicle and it blew off into the middle of a busy intersection. it was a white trash moment that somehow failed to mortify us.

not a car honked. not a single person got angry. no accidents occurred. it was surreal. she and her husband were completely non-nonplussed. it was a debacle. i think i left my body and just observed. i can't imagine that happening in too many cities without something untoward happening. at least someone giving us the finger. nothing. it was as if it never happened. tod and her husband went and retrieved the box spring and i ran out and picked up the strewn bungee cords. we re-bungeed it and off we went.

they came into our loft and looked around at my art and actually looked. it was very refreshing. we've even been invited over later in the evening on thanksgiving. kind of blows my mind. we found huntsville via a blog reader sending us an article. but huntsville has found US. in vermont...honestly...we didn't seem to have any impact on anyone or anything. tod drove for the taxi place (me too but not much), i showed my art in the gallery. we hung out in the house we care took for and little ever happened. we were getting stale. we couldn't connect with people there and it obviously wasn't where we were supposed to be.

fast forward to huntsville. it isn't like any place we could have ever imagined. we imagined the worst and in many ways it has been quite the opposite. so too are we are left dangling and wondering. suffice to say we have found a place to be that for now, for us, works. we are embarking on a new life where there exists possibility. much more so than where we fled from. maybe its best we are in a place that feels so 'unformed'. how perfect, as too are we. i'm glad we found each other. huntsville and me.

phoenix commotion website & blog

so tod has been working on redesigning the phoenix commotion website, there are still things to tweak and pictures to add, but it is done and up! good job tod, looks great and much easier to navigate!

i'm still working on a blog header for the pc blog as well as final sidebar touches. it is an adjustment to know what to write here and what to write there. i've decided to be a reporter at large on the pc blog, hoping to relay stories, pictures and any revelant news/information as it happens. this blog, my blog, will still be my rants, hopes, dreams, fears and struggles. just in case you were worried i got all buoyant and floated away :) thank you to those of you who have already visited/followed and commented on the phoenix commotion blog. i've linked it to my sidebar so check in and say hi!

one more for the road

jaw/teeth surprisingly tough to drill through the jaw

i got the 2nd table done!!!! finished it this morning and went to the bone house to drop it off before the museum people got there to pick up all the furniture. i will be doing a post on the phoenix commotion blog today about all the furniture and more about the bone house.

i have to say, i'm liking wood better. ESPECIALLY when i get to combine bone with it. providing we can get hold of more extraneous pieces that they don't need to decorate the house with and providing there is a market for it, i could be making more furniture and selling it on the new online design store for the phoenix commotion. [not yet up but getting worked on]

long way to go i'm sure, for me. still don't know what i'm doing but learning how to make it work somehow. after the hours and hours of looking/thinking/trying screwing up and starting over, i do like the challenge of working with new materials as well as making functional work. i am satisfied with what little i've done...knowing i can do much better and looking forward to seeing what's next!

4 jaw bones on top and 4 vertebrae on table legs

multi views of table

time in texas

life is still chaotic for us. we have no set routine and are still fumbling around trying to find/make our way. while it is true that in vermont our lives were comparatively unfettered by routine, here, the rules have all but disappeared.


there are many options available to us. at first, tod was going to the job site everyday for 4 or 5 hours and helping out. learning. doing whatever someone needed. i was showing up less as i was trying to get my little studio space set up here in our loft. we came here knowing we wanted to be involved with the phoenix commotion but were unsure of what that would look like. did it mean learning how to build a house? did it mean making more functional art? did it mean being behind the scenes with web stuff for them?

the reality is we have zero income now. dan is very aware of that and is very supportive in trying to allow us to be self sustaining again while volunteering/working however we can with/for him. i find it utterly amazing that we have been here for a month and i've already been given the chance to make some wood/bone furniture that is slated to be in a texas museum end of the week. i find it utterly amazing that if i do the work i might have a chance to sell work online and bring in income for not only myself but for the phoenix commotion.

tod is redoing their website at this very moment. i just started a blog which will be written by myself, tod, and hopefully a few other people from the commotion. dan has his hands/life completely filled to the rim so the point of the blog will be to share what life is like in and around the phoenix commotion. i hope to do some interviews with the volunteers/workers who are currently working on the bone house. i want to take pictures, give some history and be a reporter of sorts. we will see. i'm still finding it challenging to complete a thought let alone something on my scattered checklist. right now i'm trying to bang out one more piece of bone furniture as a few extra days were added before the museum picks our work up.

oh yeah, the pictures above are of a little bathroom that was built on a corner lot in a neighborhood. the lot sells plants and this is a structure dan created. bad picture as there was a fence and i could only get so close....maybe you can see in the close up, the siding is all crushed cans. i love that i can walk around huntsville and spot dan structures here and there. its like a treasure hunt! below is a license plate roof, how fun is THAT!

redux sort of

redid the bottom of my table for more stability
here you can see it next to one of dan's AMAZING chairs.

went back today for more supplies to possibly make something else before the museum picks the furniture up. turns out they didn't come by yesterday, instead will pick up the bone furniture mid week. so my little (less wobbly) table will be included with dan's table/chair as well as bob's table (bob is an associate professor at the college and is a crew member on the build site)

I will be posting all of the furniture on the Phoenix Commotion's new blog as well as information about the exhibit...so enjoy this sneak preview of just one chair and look for the whole enchilada soon on the new blog!

candle stand

so here it is people. the bone candle table stand. when dan saw it he had an entire mini discourse to share. tod and i had no clue, no idea whatsoever that throughout time candle tables stands have been a staple, a constant. one could even say, done to death. and i took it as a compliment that wobble and all, he doubts anyone has ever made one like this. he liked it. i got a stamp of approval i think. and quite frankly, i like it no matter what anyone thinks.

the bones are affixed onto the table top and i shaved the candles to fit the holes. one could of course put pencils....dried flowers, twigs, or just about anything else they so desired into these marrow orifices.

i was pushed to my limit. tod was pushed to his. i wanted to quit. i hated so much about this initially: being forced (not really but its what i had to work with) to use things i wouldn't normally use. the time pressure. the out and out ignorance of my own self when it comes to truly understanding the laws of physics, basic tools & measuring techniques. and mostly having to ask for help more than once from people i had just met and felt had much more important things to do than this. i wanted to do something different but then felt so insecure and afraid while doing so that i barely had time to enjoy the process.

i had to tear it apart and re do it three times. painful stuff. very painful. that it took me two weeks to finish is actually horrifying...the mind wants to say for fucks sake how are you ever going to make it in life if something this diminutive takes up so much of your time and it STILL isn't quite right. well...i'm too tired to care right now. i've pushed into/past some invisible membrane that i never knew existed and i came out holding this strange table, feeling a little puckish and ready for the next thing.

ps. i call this piece: ' its not about the table'

UPDATE: dan calls this a candle stand, not table. he sent me a link about them here.

artist Steve Tobin

My friend Maggie in MA just sent me a link to an article about Steve Tobin. After reading the article I googled him to find his website. I was shocked at how much work he has made, and how much variety exists between the bodies of work. Then I saw this video on his film page [can't link to it so go here and click film on left], Tod and I watched together and felt inspired beyond belief. We like the idea of finding a way to make art that is messy, fun, very Dionysian (a term i've recently learned via listening to dan talk). Check out the article that was written via NYFA, the last paragraph speaks YELLS to me!

things i've learned this week:

• how to use a torx screw
  
• what a magnetic drill bit end is (i've yet to figure out if i can remove the magnet and replace the bit style)
• that cedar and redwood wont rot (and cedar repels insects) if you make outdoor furniture as long as it can breathe, so put screws under the wood to lift it off the ground
• that you can cut/drill/and sand bone quite easily
• grout will crack if attached to plain woods, it needs to be mdf or silica stuff(?...i forget what it is, but some sheet of some toxic man made stuff) has to be affixed over the wood
• how to measure two pieces of uneven wood with a leveler (doesn't mean i'm good at it but i have a clue now)
  
• screws are THE way to go instead of nails or glue when making furniture and proper pilot holes are a MUST, even for little dinky things
  
• fancy ways to use tools but i dont remember the proper terms
• that i have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING
• no one walks much or rides bikes, and if they do its probably because they dont have a vehicle
• that i have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING and i'm probably not going to be as involved with learning from the ground up how to build a house ( i could if i want i guess but so far i'm not as drawn to that as i thought i would be)
• that i no longer feel like using materials from my past (vermont) and while i'm still not in love with what i've seen so far (wood, wood and more wood), i feel challenged and more willing to work with what is here than not
• that i can't give up. that my slightly wobbly table was the best i could do and all i can do it keep moving even if i dont know where i'm going
  

allowing process

this is what i'm learning about myself as an artist: i have to follow the unseen thread and play and take the chance and waste the time, waste the materials, and allow myself to abandon everything at the last minute....something that is always hard for me when working with a limited supply of found objects.

a few posts below i posted pictures of these bones all pretty and lacy looking. had GREAT suggestions on facebook and here of how i could implement them into my bone table that i'm making for the phoenix commotion. resin, glass, painting...lots of fun stuff. i keep saying i'm on a time line (sunday coming up) to get it done before they need something if i want to show this along with their bone furniture; that and the (semi-loose) perimeters were to use their materials ie: bones/wood/long gold screws. these were all my 'excuses' for not getting all fancy.

what i realize is, there is a part of me that wants to get all fancy. fancy to me is using resin, adding all kinds of crap to it, building/adding/on and on. some artists can get away with this and have the space/materials/money and brains . that isn't me. and i have, i'm finding, a pretty sterile or simple bent when it comes to what i am attracted to. i dont need to point a finger and say why i dont want to do it, i just dont. doesn't make it better or worse. just is.

yet i still seem to doubt myself and feel i should be adding this. should do more to that. should go further...should have a mound of options and tricks up my sleeve that will add to whatever piece i'm working on. when the truth is, i like the challenge of using what is available. and yet the last few days i've been going to the build site (the bone house/artist studio) and picking brains...how do i do this? how can i do that? wasting people's time is how i see it when part of me knows i will probably NOT do what i'm asking how to do because i realize it's too complicated and perfected or something. yesterday i had someone show me how to grout. the above photo is that experiment. supposedly i can buy acid to clean up the grout stains on the bones or use baking soda with white vinegar. I bought the grout. I bought the vinegar and soda. I was shown how to do everything but clean it up and knew i would manage to NOT do that right. and sure enough, after my grout dried up i applied my solution and ta da, the bones are still stained ugly yellow/gray. the grout i bought is charcoal (this was her spare grout for the tester) and would make the bones even darker. not the look i'm wanting. i feel i've already wasted this persons time, as i suddenly realized i dont want anything to do with this right now.

so instead i've completely abandoned this particular table top and within minutes (thats how it goes right?) i came up with my table top. and its simple. and its more in keeping with what i'm after. scraps. yes, i am using the scraps of the scraps that dan and his crew are using. they have a little chest filled with crap pieces of redwood, all chewed up and marked on with pens and pencils. they have an entire yard full of bits and pieces of their 'compost wood', which is just a fancy way of saying wood that is left from cuts and fucks ups which they later bury when they are finished with the job. this satisfies me. i'm not even using their new gold screws, i'm using just 2 of my old found ones and used nails. i'm using the scraps of bones that aren't usable, even what i first thought were butt ends from the 'good' pieces of the 'bad' pieces.

my brain wants to tell me that i'm just pussying out. that because learning to use tools and do things feels hard and i dont understand most of it, i am just taking the easy way out. may-be. and so what if i am. i know i start to feel a slight revulsion for needing to learn the proper way to make proper things. i know physics needs to be taken into account when making functional furniture and i can't guarantee my table wont wobble a few degrees let alone not fall over once i get the top onto it. but it's like learning to walk. ya haffta crawl. sometimes its nice when the right person comes along and grabs your hands and lifts you up....but until you can do that yourself you gotta keep crawling until you find your own strength. i know my strength isn't about learning all the slang and ways to use all the tools out there. if i pick up a few things here and there, tips, tricks, i'm happy. i need to trust myself more when it comes to figuring out how to do something. i think its big to begin to understand the difference between shying away from too hard vs. shying away from just not interested.

and so, my table has begun to take shape and today i will attempt to make little dowel holes/dowels for joining the three chunks of wood for my table top. thats something i've never done and i'm sure it will take me two days to do what a carpenter would do in 10 minutes. who cares, this isn't a race. and i might even have time to make a bone clock before the deadline ;)

hydrants

walking and observing

MA Open Studios

Mark your calendars for the 18 Annual Open Studios, Saturday and Sunday before Thanksgiving. Artists open their studio doors to the general public from 11 am to 5 pm. I am proud to say I know Margaret MacLellan, who is one of the artists there. Above you can see one of her paper mache works.

I met Margaret this summer when I was looking for studio space to rent in MA. I was unsure if I was going to outright move to Massachusetts or go down for blocks of time and slowly get to know the Boston area and it's art community. Margaret and her studio mate put an ad in craigslist for studio space to share/rent and we hit it off instantly. The space was perfect and I loved these women immediately but in talking it over more with Tod we realized it wouldn't be quite what we wanted live wise. Tod grew up and lived most of his life in MA and didn't want to go back there. In retrospect I laugh at how we thought culturally the area might be less than perfect for us...(so instead we move to huntsville ha) Never mind that, this is about Margaret!

We have gotten to know each other through phone and email. She immediately 'got' who I was and what Tod and I were about to do when we decided to leave Vermont to volunteer here in Huntsville, TX. Her mind goes in a million places, all filled with creative thoughts that leave me spinning and dazed. What little I have seen of her work has delighted me and when I hear her ideas I know that she is someone to watch for. She has a full time 'real' job and hasn't had quite the time to let loose, but somehow she finds enough time to devote to her passion and I have no doubt she will continue to soar artistically.

So if you are in the Boston area, go say hi, go see work from a plethora of artists and enjoy their annual studio tour. The main building is the ET Wright Building, and down a block is the Sandpaper Building where Margaret is. Directions and more info here.

tidbit of a tour

artist studio facing street, tree house behind it


2 views underneath the tree house

floor of another home that was built by a woman and her 16 yr daughter

pickle plates 'serve' as windows in artist studio
paper mache floor

today i met amanda, she has started the living paradigm in houston which is modeled after the phoenix commotion. she was heading a tour of the homes here in huntsville, people from houston came up who wanted to see some of the homes dan and others have built. unfortunately we were only allowed into one artist studio (the tree house which tod and i were able to go into last week is where the artist lives and she has a big art studio across the walkway) and one home. i'm thinking i might upload them onto flickr and if i do will post the link.

still working on that table...kind of intimidated all of a sudden as i think you all expect GREAT THINGS and i'm seeing it as not so great. life goes on. my 'studio' is A COMPLETE SHAMBLES and honestly that i'm even attempting to make ANYTHING is heroic.

putting the F in un

(same bones different lighting, just fun to look at)

i fancy these bones. its a stinky rather gross process cutting the bones. i recognize that it could have been much more labor intensive were i the one to have to cultivate them. from what i understand these bones are donated to dan by ranchers. i guess all ranchers have areas where they unload their dead animals and lucky us we get to play with them. most of the marrow has dried, the oils nearly gone, but some of the bones i cut were moist inside...smelled like death and old manure. i left some of the bones in our loft overnight and by morning i smelled the stench. put them outside for ants and sunshine, i dont have time to put them in warm water and clean off the bacteria, that could take days or weeks and i think next week is the deadline to have something to show for myself. so i've scraped them with a knife and am making do with what i can. i'm a bit of a hypochondriac at times so every time i would cut a bone and all that fine dust would fly up into my face, even with a mask and eye protection i imagine something hideous. best leave that alone.

i've cut all i can find of bones that give me these cool open rings. it will be a small table top and more decorative than functional. if i had the time and wherewithal i believe i would just make a lattice of them and somehow connect them, but again, the pressure is on to get something made and i'm going to have to put some wood under these bones; there is a chance i will find wood that will allow for me to maybe cut some circles out under the bones so you can see through to the floor. haven't yet decided that. the table top wont look like what you see above, i was just playing with possibility and while i like this look, it began to look too catholic/holy, too doily-like to my eyes and i'm going to do it a bit differently.

today went by fast as usual, leaving me wondering what did i do? i got up early today, made me almost feel like my game is back, and tod and i went to one of dan's storage areas to look at some cedar tree limbs he and the crew picked up the other day. they were disassembling two small storage buildings that someone donated to dan for materials and tod thought the cedar might be good for my table legs since i wasn't having fun with what was available. turns out they are cool but i ended up using something else. those will hopefully get used in another piece SOON. so that took some time, then i forced myself to go to the job site and ask for help. rudimentary stuff really. i myself am a bit shocked that i've built so much in the past but when it comes to more traditional work suddenly am clueless. i also am self taught when it comes to using my tools and in front of a 'real' carpenter i was stuttering and stupid beyond belief. i barely knew how to screw a screw in. i was a moron. i can't wait for a smidgen of confidence to burrow into my being, i'm getting tired of feeling lost and incapable. no matter. i did it, got a little help, learned a few things came home and began working more on my table leg assembly.

around the corner there is a young guy who used to work for dan, i consider him an artist and fellow scrounger. he likes to look in dumpsters and has made furniture for himself and had shown me a collage he was working on. he is finishing up school and teaching some but i can tell he still has an interest in working with his hands and its obvious he is talented. every time i am out on our porch doing something he stops by for a quick hi and hows it going whatcha doin. today when i saw him i yelled that i needed his brain and asked him to tell me how to measure two angled legs for a level cross cut. here tod and i had the leveler out but no clue if you could use that to figure out how to cut something to make it even. DUH you turn it upside down and draw a line. my learning curve went to the moon today. it's the little things i can deal with and that astound me. i wont retain the special names of things or the fractions and formulas, i've already forgotten what i was taught about the tools since i was here but my hands remember what is to be done and that is all that matters i guess.

another cool thing, the owner was here cleaning out the cavernous lower level of this old sears building we all live in, and we got to pull out things that would otherwise go to the dump. yes, we found out there is a dump and where it is and thats as good as gold. got a large table/shelf piece, a dusty rocking chair that is in great shape (hideous to me but its comfi and tod likes it over the floor or hard folding chair). got a few more things and before i knew it the day was over and i still have made little progress on that table. fits and starts and lots of marinating. i realize that it just takes a lot of time and space for me to make something. it is very rare that i ever plop out something just like that. right now i feel even more conscious of it as others are actually waiting to see what i do (at least i feel they are even if its just out of curiosity)

dem bones

the downside to having awareness about self is seeing how it is you are making it harder for yourself and still not willing to change. hoping for another 'out'. hoping something outside of you changes so you dont have to.

thats what i'm getting with this bone furniture thing. i have about a week and some days left to make at least one table to go on with some of the other bone furniture that dan and another wood artist are making to show/sell. if i can come up with something i too will be able to show/sell it.

this brings me back to how commissions were always more challenging than i liked. brings me back to how i like doing things my way and get completely a jaggle when i'm given rules or limitations. i mean it would be easy to just put a slab of board on some legs and with some bones here and there and call it a day...it would look like crap to me though and that isn't acceptable. for anyone who has seen some of my 'furniture' you know that for one i like to use found objects as the bulk of the actual piece. that and i don't really possess the skills or desires to make traditional looking furniture. so the perimeters are: bones/wood/glue/ and their screws. i asked if i could add paint and i can but i get the feeling it would be preferable were i to keep the same ascetic as what is being done.

after spending paralyzing time comparing myself to them, imagining what people must think that i need to be all sequestered here for a week just to make something (and yet i've not made anything) while they can churn out work there on the building site with so much chaos and so little space to boot, i question why i need it to be my way. i question a lot about my process but i shouldn't do that. none of this is all that important but i'm holding on as if to dear life that i make some amazing table that the world has never seen. and that my friend isn't going to happen. and i know it. and yet i can't stand the thought of making a table that you would look at and think, well shit i could do that.

as for how i know i'm not willing to change, at least it isn't coming naturally, is going there to the site and getting in there and stopping people and asking for help. i'm a little shut down right now. i feel thick headed, un-alive and very lethargic. i used to wake up and feel enervated and now i can't wait for night time so i can go back to bed. i dont like pulling my tools outside and working in our parking space in front of the world. i have been working on just observing all these 'dont likes' and letting them fly across my third eye like laundry on a clothesline flinging wildly in the wind. knowing that this is just the way it is right now and i can either be miserable or deal.

and the prison horn sounds off....it always stops me and reminds me that i am free and uncounted.

donuts and cigarette smoke

3am the donut wheel air conditioner churns. i look out and watch the street lights in their steadfast green hue. i could trot down there and have a donut. they open at 4. i can sit here and blink at my monitor. can't think of much else to do.... lots has changed and i'm a little cramped and trapped right now. i was tossing and turning, wishing i had a sofa to curl up on. wondering how i could get my big red round chair that is still in arizona, here. tod is nestled in our little bedroom on his air mattress. i hate that thing but its good he has it. i prefer sleeping on two foam pads but tonight they are making my body ache. i notice my eyes are puffy here. is it the low sea level?
it was hot today. its been hotter here since we've landed but for some reason i found it a little intolerable. menopause? maybe a little. i went to the job site during everyones lunch so i didn't have to deal with all the flurry of activity. grabbed more bones that are the 'less than desireable ones' for now at least. they are in the yard in a heap of green moss and bugs. of course i'm more attracted to them than the nice clean perfect ones that are protected in the building. i'm still flummoxed by the choices (or lack there of) of wood to use. i'm not a furniture maker per se, what little i have made has been more from found objects combined with a little ingenuity so i'm a bit stymied by that and my lack of art making space. do i just say fuck it and cut metal and bones and wood in our loft? out on our little door/porch area and hope neighbors and businesses dont mind the noise? hope my car doesn't get polluted by molecules of debris wafting towards it?

art monk. the prison horn blasts constantly throughout the day. i'm here, completely alone and have less to say. tod and i aren't so much fun me thinks. he gets up and does his online stuff and walks to the job site. i wait to be alone and fuss with making sense out of this place, making room for art i can't imagine making. no distractions. no tv. a library that turns my senses to alabaster. cigarette smoke seems to hover and waft into our nostrils everywhere we go. no nearby place to walk that delights my senses. barely recognizable food....why are they putting msg in all the meat? i've never had to look at everything i buy with fear before. it's exhausting to go grocery shopping. everything i make tastes bad, suddenly i'm the worlds worst cook. not even our home grown herbs we dried and brought with us can rectify this travesty.

i want to make art but i'm stopped, gagged by thoughts of where to put it? what to do with it? what am i doing? i keep throwing more out. i'm tired of looking at stuff. i can't imagine packing all this up all over again in 6 months if we move on. i have no idea what i'm doing. NONE. maybe i'm just never happy and it wouldn't matter what i did, where i went. i thought i would have a community of people here and so far, unless i think i can bond with 20 something year old males, i'm screwed.

copy kat

Ellen posted a cool video so i'm posting it too. i think i love that Reuben Margolin rides a bike with a little rickshaw so he can put stuff in it instead of driving. beautiful work and inspiring for sure!

out of my element

no surprise i'm just now catching up to myself and having a hard time. you dont just up and move to a completely different place and change every aspect of your life without going through withdrawals. i told myself i wouldn't complain because i voluntarily chose to do this.

having said that, this morning i'm feeling it. other than the day to day creature comforts (ie bed/sofa/tv & recognizable editables) the one thing i miss the most is time to myself and making art. (and quiet...as right now i type this and i can hear my neighbors morning piss flowing like Niagara) time to myself. i had the big basement to work in in vermont. tod had a job and was gone a good deal. now i have a super small space that still is in no condition to accommodate me let alone art making ~ i'm moving at a snails pace trying to decide how to set anything up. and the materials available so far are not at all what i'm used to or want to work with. suddenly i feel totally out of my element.

this 'stool' for lack of better words was something i TOILED over most of saturday afternoon. i wanted to make a tall table to sit next to the stove for more counter space and as my failure pile grew taller and taller my last attempt suddenly morphed into this hideous stool. which we need, we need a few more things to sit on but hopefully i find something that is soft and doesn't WOBBLE sooner than later or else i will probably make more of these.

and below, a little table next to the bathroom sink so we can put our rechargeable sonicare toothbrushes on it and my waterpik. i kind of like it. it was a joint effort that tod started (the base) but i finished (the top). i went into a mad frenzy and was cutting pieces and having tod nail gun them faster than lightening. its shoddy and haphazard and bound for a dumpster when we move but it works and it was free god dammit.

so i have to be gentle with myself (something i'm not too good at). i'm in a new place that i'm already familiar with. i've already walked most of where is walkable save for going to the state park or out of town. there is no where to escape and get away. there is nothing to do but focus on what is in front of me.

and what is that you ask? i still dont know exactly. i've been given the opportunity to make some 'bone furniture'. dan has made a few chairs and is working on a larger dining type table and is offering me and another artist (a wood worker) to make tables or chairs to also show/sell in two weeks. bones from cattle bone yards and wood. i dont know how i am going to surround myself with people all the time and 'work'. i can't make art on a floor with chop saws/hammers/people walking past me and all kinds of busy going on. can i? i hope to get some room in my loft and maybe put something together here, running back and forth for materials and tools if need be. i dont know how much volunteer work i'm also going to have to do....everything is still jumbled in the air falling very slowly above my head. nothing has landed, nothing makes sense. i keep trying to grasp a habit or routine from my old life and have yet to clutch anything. suddenly i am tired, very very tired. not easy to get up at 8am let alone 5 or 6am like i used to. thank god there is sunshine here thats all i can say.

it helps to write this out. it helps that you guys on facebook and here have cheered me on. i hear your words and know people are out there who care and believe in me. i feel i have little choice, i have to make something work or else climb the sam houston statue and jump. (in vermont it was always hike the mountain in winter and freeze to death) thats just silly though, better i figure out how to make a piece of bone furniture yes?