its a challenge

i have to say, today as most days, has been hard. good hard. hard hard. hate hard. i knew i would be out of my comfort zone. i didn't really know WHAT to expect, what i would be doing or how life would unfold so i am not really complaining. hard is okay, just uncomfortable. nothing i'm not used to.

the days zip by and i'm still completely baffled. i have no routine and nothing is where i'm used to it being (ie in boxes or scattered all about). tod and i are constantly walking around our loft over and over as if stricken with alzheimer's, looking for one thing finding another and forgetting what we originally needed. as a semi autistic obsessive type, not knowing where my things are splits my head down the center. as an artist i'm overwhelmed. i had imagined i would somehow be making 'my' art again and now i know that isn't going to be the case. there just isn't the room or time. and i'm okay with it most of the time....sometimes i get angry or feel lost and weary, the excitement part has dwindled a bit only because i'm so out of my comfort zone right now i feel like i'm becoming a human fractal.

okay what are these pictures of? well, the bone house artist studio. if you go to dan's phoenix commotion site (on sidebar which i've talked about many times) you will see a video about his various builds. the bone house burnt down last year and the crew is rebuilding it. there are two buildings on the site; one is a small house that will accommodate three people and behind it is an artist/dance studio. for now the one thing tod and i can do on our own is go cut glass and affix it to the wall. we have done part of this section (photos above) this last week. mostly it is all done. mostly everyone is tired of it so they are happy to have us doing it.

what else have we done? well tod has spent more time there than i have as my shit here is still number uno priority. i've gone in a bit, trying to gear up for monday when i really should be putting in 30 hours a week. dan asks that all volunteers put in at least that much a week for at least 2 months. preferably six months. thats what we are in for. so as you can imagine, my 'life' as i knew it has ended.

there are some cool projects that dan is throwing my way, a very generous throw should i be able to rise to the occasion. i will share more of that later. i need to chill out. the hard part today was just me trying to make things out of 'bad wood' that they dont really need. i'm used to scrap metal or large flat pieces of wood and instead i have thin slats to work with that are warpy or not right in some unknown (to me) way. so when i try to make something, HOURS later i still have nothing but a pile of useless wood. not feeling very savanty if you know what i mean. i'm so out of my element right now when it comes to being creative that i'm not even in my own orbit anymore. the glass project is good because it forces you to focus on cutting pieces and making them all somehow fit. i dont even mind standing on the ladder and fatiguing my arms, it feels like therapy. and at least something is getting accomplished. even though i know anyone could do this and i am feeling like a completely idiot, at least i can do this for now.

i leave you with a photo of a cool house i saw walking home from the bone house tonight....

im so bad

i should be posting pictures of the job site, of my life here in huntsville right? instead i'm posting my favorite things, scrappy things. tod and i stopped at rest areas for gas/pee/walk breaks and that was IT. at once place i saw these locks and while i only had my smaller pixel camera, had to take a few pictures. kind of bothers me that i dont know when or if i will ever find a printer i like who gets me and can match my previous images....and i doubt i will be sending anything off to canada anytime for laminations/mixed media pieces. that was all done for me in stowe and at cost, there is no way i can afford it myself right now.

so what am i doing? what have i been doing? god only knows. chaos people. a life turned inside out, upside down and still churning in the butter wheel. i couldn't take it today and got a 5x10 storage unit, our loft smells of cardboard. we have had a shitload of rain, 'a real frog floater' as its called. torrents. non stop an entire day. our ceiling was leaking in two places. when we came home at night our windows were all steamed up inside - for 2 days. we dont have screens on these ancient windows so we couldn't open them as the rained just poured in. not sure art will bode well here, but hopefully in a little storage unit it will be better. i wont bother explaining the sordid details of THAT. its not a 'real' storage unit at least what i was thinking, but i can't be picky here i realize. i get what i get. in a way i've gone even further outside of the box. yes people, america may be the fine and mighty but there are more pockets of 'diversity' here than one might think.

today i went to look for more food and an old man made a beeline right towards me and i ended up having a 10 minute conversation about everything from mattresses, butchering, wheat and food. what started that? well i was in shorts and a t-shirt and everyone here is wearing long flannel shirts/sweaters and looking all ready for winter. uh...its in the 80's here. high 70's, high sixties at night. I'M HOT. he started the conversation by saying anyone who is dressed like me is tough and not to be messed with. he stated that he was wearing his winter clothes. he couldn't understand why i was dressed that way. tod and i have noticed that everyone seems to be dressed for winter and now its confirmed: they are.

my mind just gets blown and not always happily. today i got my library card and with great anticipation i went to the new book shelf. the fiction and non fiction are all mixed up together...and some of the 'new' books are in fact very old. VERY OLD. i walked the aisles looking for biographies/memoirs. i'm going to be learning alot about history and texas and politics. fuck me. i need escape not more education!

i've had to go grocery shopping at wal marts. ( the devil). today i went to target and at 12:30 there were only 2 cashiers. people hate target here, which i understand, i do too, but wal mart is worse in my mind and that place was filled with people. men and women all holding shopping lists and going up and down V E R Y S L O W L Y if not flat out stopped and inert. it was fascinating. i forgot what i needed and just walked by them all at warp speed taking it all in and feeling like the alien i knew i was.

the peoples are nice here. slow. nice. soft spoken. friendly. lots of traffic in this town but few noticed assholes so far. lots of dualies LOTS of dualies and lots of diesel noise coming from them. i like seeing people that dont have milk white skin. i come from illinois and arizona...i'm used to mexicans and blacks and i rarely saw anyone but milkies in vermont. so thats nice. makes me happy to be around diversity. i just wish the food was diverse. but hey who doesn't have 10 extra pounds to lose.

quick update from the library

home

enclosed room (bedroom)

one side of our kitchen

other side kitchen

who needs to actually shower to WAKE UP????

living area

my kind of ceiling

more living area (kitchen is on other side of that open window area

my work room adjacent to bedroom separated by a large space

outside view of my art work space. front door on right

view from front door. bedroom on left my work room on right

our bedroom

i LOVE how our lives have been since settling in! i live a two minute walk, yes a TWO MINUTE walk from the library. HEAVEN. we live 1 mile from one of the work sites of the 'bone house' that is almost completed by dan's crew. already we have permission to use some wood and make some shelves which we did yesterday. it was surreal to think that just two months ago we were in stowe and nellie sent that email with the ny times links about dan phillips and now we are here and already learning how to use a nail air gun and i got shown a better way to use a miter/chop saw.

dan has let me store some of my bigger scrap in one of this places so we dont have everything in our apartment. its really a loft, WHO KNEW that an artist type loft existed here? when we saw this our mouths dropped open. we went back to that real estate lady who already knew who we were ( i wrote about that a few posts ago and how it was like the twilight zone). i had a good feeling about her, so did tod. so on wed we went there and asked what she had available. we had decided to get this 400 sq foot one bedroom apartment above a garage that honestly if we lived there wouldn't have any space for anything and everything would go into storage. when she showed us this loft and it was near double the rent of the smaller place we went outside and wrote down exactly what it would cost to be in both. if we got the smaller one i would be paying $150 a month in climate controlled storage and it would be at the end of the city. it would be a mess too as my packing was chaotic since originally i thought we were going to oregon and i just bunched everything together however fit best. were we to get storage we would have to pray for a dry day and have dan's crew painstakingly wait as i opened things to get stuff out to repack in storage. it would suck and i wouldn't have easy access to my art should i try to sell it online or in galleries. after we did the numbers we saw it wouldn't be more than a $1000 more in six months so why not have a space that caters to the possibility of art making and art access? its in a good area and we can walk to most places. yayayayay!!!! incredibly we signed the SMALL lease as opposed to the book of a lease we were presented with earlier that week. incredibly dan's crew moved everything out of that truck in less than ONE HOUR. just like that we had a place. easiest fastest move in of my life!

we are a little close to campus, and there are college brutes in the building we are in and we hear them, as do we hear the weight lifters below who rent a space. its all concrete flooring so we REALLY hear the scooting and music and voices. i'm only bothered by the scooting but hopefully we get the rest we need and aren't there all day or too damn tired by the end of the day to care. soon as i get my computer up and wifi in the apartment i can blast my own music :)

everyone is polite, soft spoken and pretty nice. the food thing is still a challenge but i'm on a budget anyhow and maybe it will entice me to get to houston. tod and i had to return the penske truck a few days ago and it was south, we went too far an ended up at the outskirts of houston. it was pouring rain and we stopped at an inn to find out where we were. i started talking to the desk guy and he told us where to go in houston. he said he comes up to huntsville state park when he wants to get away from it all. apparently it is really nice here and in town we have some trails as well.

one of dan's crew invited me and tod for dinner on thurs. so we got a chance to eat a hot meal and chat it up. i was impressed as this guy can't be more than 25 IF and he and his girlfriend made us feel quite comfortable. he caught us up a bit about things. we were able to walk there from our loft and it felt like REAL LIFE. i guess living sequestered up on that mountain in stowe was good and honestly it was quite the experience, but we are so ready for life and people, a life i've never really had as most of my 20's and 30's was spent drinking and being a mess of a human. i'm feeling like this is how life was supposed to be. i might be 48 years old, but right now i feel like i just now left home and am starting my own life. its delicious. and we are both pleased at all git out to have a home together, a life that so far is already more involved and busy than anything we had in vermont.

look forward to showing 'after' pictures once we get things more situated. this is a work in progress as we need to procure/make furniture and things in order to get it all functional. i like having this challenge though, as does tod. the goal is not to buy anything if possible and keep it minimal (yeah right). more later!

another hurdle cleared

i'm not sure who really wants to hear the details of how we found a place, it was nothing short of miraculous. as was the unpacking of the truck by dan's crew. seven of us moving faster than ants carrying large loads. will write more later....hopefully will get internet soon but after we leave our little cluttered econolodge room this morning thats it unless we find library time. suffice to say there is a ton of work to do trying to fight my way through the crazily packed boxes and hurry up and make this place livable so we can get to work with dan soon.

i have to say the one thing i hate is those damn 'palmetto bugs' which is just a nice way of saying 2 inch shit filled cockroaches. i've already seen their dead dry corpses in every place we've looked to live. there is no avoiding them. i remember them from arizona....such dreaded grotesque things. you find them in the middle of the night on the tip of your toothbrush. they are anywhere and everywhere and i saw a handful of them (dead) in our new diggs. gross. maybe i will be too busy to care, long as they leave me alone when i sleep i will try to keep my 'man up' 'tude. it's a dichotomy, one of the hardest things i've ever done but also the easiest in other ways. haven't quite wrapped my brain around it and maybe i'm better off not thinking much more about it.

thanks for ALL WELL WISHES and thoughts in regards to us finding a place and getting a good start here. the work has yet to start, the real work that called to us here in the first place. we look forward to getting our hands dirty soon, to being involved with dan and his crew and learning!

false starts and looking at beginnings

i'm a little used to blowing into a town and finding a place to live and making a temporary life. but this time it is different as there is all my art in that truck outside the econo lodge room we are in. the truck is due tomorrow at 3 and we dont have a place to live. the $100 day late fee for the return appears inevitable. we can handle that i guess, we have to eh?

today was a whirlwind. we only looked at three houses yesterday and one commercial unit in town and we were going to go for one of the homes (which was out of town). it was a 3 bedroom with a garage (a rarity it seems). no fridge. no washer or dryer. we'd be responsible for a huge ass yard but basically be out away from people and free to make noise. something seemed right something didn't but we realized we had no choice as the only other house we've seen was nastier and no place for my tools let alone storing stuff.

this being texas 'n all, we were presented with a HUGEOID lease that when we went over it i realized right off i didn't want to go through with it. before going to the real estate place and signing all this stuff we were on board for buying a used fridge/washer/dryer. apparently there is only ONE place that sells used ones and we went there. i was a bit shocked. i'm no priss and i've lived in big cities where i've happily gone to some gritty industrial building to buy used appliances and they were tip top, i just wasn't expecting them to be quite as in rough shape so i looked online, in the phone book...turns out there aren't any other used appliances dealers ANYWHERE unless we go to houston. found in the paper an ad for washers and there was a guy out of town who had washers under a big tent in his yard in front of his trailer. a nice old man who just buys broken machines and fixes them. we bought a washing machine for $150 (decided to just hang clothes up and not buy a dryer) and he offered to deliver it for free as he was going into town the next day. great! we had a washing machine before we even had the house. awkward but we assumed the best. when we asked the old guy where to buy a fridge he said best buy a new one, there aint no place to get one and they dont last here. buying a used one we'd soon be throwing good money after bad. they aint no good. (our washing machine he said would 'run like silk')

so off to the real estate place. in person we had discussed the possibility of breaking the lease if we needed to move. he said he had to have a year lease but we could break it and he would just take the deposit instead of make us pay any months left. fair enough. so we were surprised when we sat down to this fat lease to find that we could only move outside of huntsville without the penalty of paying for all remaining months left. if we moved to huntsville we'd have to pay. and the property was about 1.3 acres, all green grass that we were now told we would have to water by hand or buy our own sprinkler system and maintain. i guess its normal, i've done it at houses i've lived in before but all i saw were tod's dollars being pissed away. especially since we knew when the students move out in june we want to see if we can find a house here in the city (i want to call it a town as it feels more like a town). basically we dont have enough money to live there for a year, forget about the air conditioning costs which will be BIG in summer. driving back and forth with just one car and two different schedules was another issue. there might not be much to DO here as far as entertaining myself with walking and cool places, but i'd rather live here and at least walk to the library and store. oh yeah, and now we have to go get our washing machine money back, how awful but the guy had no problem with it and refused tod's offer for at least 10% restocking fee. there ARE good people out here i gotta say.

so at the real estate place we took a break in the parking lot and decided to bail on this lease. we discussed it and i 'manned up' and decided i'd put my stuff in storage if i have to and not make art and live in a small apartment and just do whatever it takes to make it here. we decided to just insist on a 6 or 7 month lease or else walk. we doubted he would take it. thats how we left it at the office but once in my car realized no matter what we weren't gonna take it. its survival here, money has to be doled out with the utmost care and its time to change the plan somewhat.

i have to say, if it weren't for dan i would have pulled tod by the hair and left by now. we met dan this morning and followed him around to the different job sites and houses he has built. he took us to the local scrap yard where a new project is in the makings that i am being invited to work on. seems the scrap place needs a new building/office and they want him to make it. it is right on the main highway and i might actually get to create the wall in front of this place. this will probably get started in mid november or december. i still dont really understand whats going on but we had a good talk about what we wanted to get out of this and what he wanted us to do. the project they are working on now is actually an artist live/work residency. in the near future there is a lot that three more homes can be built on, two of which I believe are reserved for people to buy/build on. in case you haven't checked the phoenix commotion site out (see sidebar) from what i understand the majority of these homes are for low income single mothers to have a chance to buy the land/house if they have good credit, a job and go through some financial counseling. they then get to build it themselves with the help/mentoring of dan and others. artists and other low income people can also have a chance to build/buy the homes which are all a minimal size allowed by the city, i think something like 240 sq feet inside not including a large porch which is wired and piped, ready to be made into another bedroom after the owner has moved in and lived there awhile(?). i know its confusing, i'm still confused but there are reasons for all of this. its about not being wasteful with space and materials. its about responsibility. a whole slew of things. we visited one house where the porch was made into the master bedroom/bathroom which allowed for the two children to have the upstairs bedrooms/bathroom and the mom her own space. its was cozy and utilitarian. rich and decorative. hard to believe a single mom with no building experience built this with her 16 year old daughter. she has since moved out and it's been sold to another mother with 2 children.

it was good to spend time with dan, meet his crew, drive around and get a clue. he has our lives mapped out if we are ready. all we need to do it try. and of course get some income at some point. right now it feels like we need to just devote ourselves to him for 6 months and see what happens. i'm prepared to live in a tiny place and pay less rent and not make art on my own if it means something new blooms. if i wanted to keep making the same art and doing the same thing i wouldn't have left vermont. it is tricky, the mind wants everything to somehow be as it was. the good things. the easy things. i want the foods i ate. we've been to every grocery store and there is not anything remotely interesting to eat. its deli meat for me from here on out. no more good organic meats and cheeses. creams and treats, they simply aren't available. i can do it, if it means i learn something and do something meaningful. i dont like it but i realize if i wanted all that stuff in vermont more than i wanted my life to change i would have stayed there. dan is doing everything he can to accommodate us and make us feel welcomed. thats enough for us, for now. there are good people here. my biggest hurdle is letting go. stop looking for the types of scrap and things that were in vermont. it doesn't exist here. it feels much more scarce in resources but i have to trust that it will work out. and right now i just need a place to live and store my shit. then i can get to work on whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing.

where do i belong

this picture was taken outside of my days inn motel (which was vile by the way), i believe it was in TN. i realized once i hit south that i was more of an outsider than even in vermont. little things, like people taking double looks at you when you open your mouth to speak....or me asking over and over at each stop if they sold heavy cream and being given the most questionable of looks. milk? you mean milk?

little things give you comfort when you are out of your element. i've not found comfort. i can't say i have ever even felt like this. i dont feel. i dont feel scared, i dont feel sick, i dont feel excited. i feel numb. i have a headache from the heat, standing out in it, driving in it. looking for a place to live in a relatively good sized college city and there are NO homes for rent. a few trailers. town houses. apartments. the only two homes for rent right now are both 7-10 miles away, which kind of bums me out because i've lived away from it all and i wanted to be near things. i'm not complaining really....just feeling like wow, i had no idea you couldn't find a place to rent here. wow. i have no idea what i'm doing right now. wow. i have no idea what kind of art i can make in a home that has carpet everywhere. wow. no basements. no. wtf am i doing? wow. wow. wow.

wow. we were driving around looking for the library and saw a house for rent and a guy sitting on the porch. we asked him if he owned the house, no. it is still for rent? yep. he was working on it. we went inside and it looked cool and NO carpet. but no real storage space outside, and the biggest problem, no where to use my tools. this house was still in disarray and he said they just needed to fix a few things. the floors, the walls, all kinds of things. it was just him and some guy talking on the phone. no one looked worried, busy, intense. very mellow. i said oh it must be at least a few more weeks before this is rentable and he said no, a few days they would be done. said the owner owned many places and their office was just down the street. we'd gone through 2 real estate people already today but thought what the heck. drove there and like something out of a twilight zone, a really beautiful older woman was just sitting there at the desk as if waiting for us. and she knew who we were when we mentioned we had come from vermont, she instantly responded 'dan phillips'. FREAKY. i mean there are about 36,000 people here. she confirmed what the other real estate agents told us, there are NO homes for rent right now. all the college kids gobbled them up. there is a home shortage here. she looked, for lack of better word, both amused and understanding. she too was from elsewhere, and spoke about how it takes some getting used to. she explained to us how to use the word 'fixin'. fixin to do something means you may or may not do it but you plan on it.

we talked a bit and realized we needed to get going. fixin to find ourselves a place to live. i asked about the library, since it was established that this wasn't the sort of town to get certain needs met my last hope was the library. she said oh ask for richard, tell him you are here and he will fix you up. we go to the library and there he was. we talked to him for awhile and he ended up showing us his sons art website on his work computer. quite a nice chap, just like everyone else we've met. we dont feel like we belong here yet, obviously, but this is what we've chosen to do. i guess we have to take the house that is out of town. i can't stand thinking about it. carpet. why do people have CARPET? oh well, it will make it softer when i'm sleeping on the floor.

i think i feel shocked and stunned and like i lept, i've fallen thousands of feet and didn't die but am not quite the same. does that make sense? we need to get plugged in, and things will take their due course. i just know for someone who loves to walk and get around without a car, i can't imagine enjoying having to drive constantly. its all highway so there is no where to go. it rains a shit load.....tod thought about getting a scooter but all these big fast texan trucks would smash him like a little bug.

there are no good wills or salvation army's. i do wonder where i will get things....art materials and life things. craiglist is non existent. i know this is temporary...but out money WILL run out in about 10 months and if no more income comes in i guess i go live with the coyotes. i did joke with tod, we could leave....we could just put my car back on the dolly and drive to portland. a last minute test. he didn't bite.

it's probably gonna be rough, and i knew it would be but we had to leave eventually and at least we had some money and it's always best to leave by will and not force. i feel no creativity. no enthusiasm right now, not even sure what i'm doing quite honestly. but it will unfold. or not. it's only life.

fri morning catch up shots

no room for this clock ANYWHERE in the truck so it got the primo front seat. covered it up with a blanky and filled up that empty floor space and got every last drop of earthly possessions in!

stuffed and ready to go FINALLY....

getting the car attached to the dolly (exciting isnt it?)

texas here we come.......

and now, monday morning we are here. haven't had time to get online until now. and now we have to get our butts out there and find us a place to live. more later, just letting everyone know we made it with no problems and only one panic attack!

is it something i packed?

*updated at the end

wow even in the picture i can see the truck leaning to the left....just as its doing in real life. and look...its after 6pm and we were going to be on the road at noon. and where am i? why i'm sitting on my recently mopped empty living room floor.

we of course didn't get everything done in time. yesterday was amazing..a guy i happened upon down the mountain said he would help pack the truck (i offered to pay $15 an hour). he came, as well as a friend i haven't even seen in a few years (i worked for her briefly when i was a massage therapist at the green mtn inn a few months). this guy used to work for allied vans and he knew what he was doing. he single handedly packed this thing like some sort of savant. tod and i added a few things today and used those cratey things you see to cover some pointy ends, gives it that beverly hillbillies look dont you think?

so yesterday was beyond any of my wildest imaginations of how easy it could be. the truck was packed in 3 hours (the night before we spent 2 hours packing it). it was the fastest, easiest thing i've ever experienced. my back wasn't even screaming at me. and tod sold his van while we did the truck, a woman came by and they were going over everything for nearly 2 hours....everything got done seemingly superfast. but you know how moving is, there are things you can't pack til the last minute. and cleaning. and this house that we care take for had things that needed to be done as well. blah blah blah. around 5 we decided to get the car up on the car dolly. that is when the rear tires alarmed us. we have 2 sets on each side. THEY ARE TOUCHING EACH OTHER. that isn't good is it?

confusion about the weight load. the inside of the truck says 2600lb. our paperwork says 32oo and online at the penske site it says 4300. hmmmmm. and how the hell would i know what it weighed anyhow? and what about this bad noise tod hears every now and then...

we called the guy that packed the truck yesterday and asked what he thought. he said there is NO way its too heavy. tod just called the 24 hr emergency number and someone will be here in an hour or more. i have no idea what to think....i sure as hell dont want to pay someone to unload and reload...or decide if i have to get rid of things. tod is also hearing bad backfire type sounds. he drove it to the gas station to check tires. i'm staying down here and burying my head in the computer. i want to be gone. but i guess that isn't happening. will keep you posted on the mini drama that i hope stays mini.

*okay we are morons but penske SHOULD have had correct tire pressure. all rear tires were grossly low. the tires still touch a little but they share the same rim...who knows. the guy came out and said penske now hires out mechanics so they technically aren't responsible even though they are. and the noise tod heard.....my scrap clanging around, which explains why i didn't hear it as i was out of the cab and he was in it driving. one thing that was messed up was the on again off again parking/brake light. the service dude fixed it. its almost 10pm incredibly tod would like to leave but i think i want some semblance of normal sleeping tonight. it will be dicey to get there and find a place in time before wed's truck due date, then its $100 extra a day for the truck. its a little overwhelming but i'm too tired to care right now. hopefully we wake up early, tires are still inflated, we correctly hook up the dolly to tow the car and off we go.

d day

i've lived here in vermont exactly five years and it hasn't ever snowed until a few days to thanksgiving. guess what i woke up to? granted its just a ground covering...just enough to be mischievous as i think about our now foiled plans to drive the truck round back to our basement french doors and move things without having to walk up stairs. shit. its a wintry day...all gray and misty with a slight sleety slush. more tonight. just let us get out of here without making a muddy mess of boxes/home and lawn!

down to the wire with tod's van selling. there is hope and worse comes to worse maybe he can leave it with his now 'ex' boss. the caretaker down the road is lined up to help us move AND take over minimal duties here, so if the float tank doesn't magically float away another good chance it can stay here and hide out for awhile longer.

last night was the first up for hours in the wee hours pushing back imagined worries. i always worry about my own mind. after having the severe panic attacks that i've had, no matter that i haven't had a stupendous one in a few years (meaning vomiting and uncontrollable shaking and crying), i still have that gaping hole filled with memory. my little panic episodes while just as upsetting and dreaded, are like a light switch that once turned on leaves the floodgates open for awhile. i guess that is what i dread. it's there...just a little bit behind my right shoulder, i can feel it. waiting to pounce on me. i guess if it happens it happens. the worst thing about panic is the dread of it (okay, actually being paralyzed with panic is awful but i usually think and worry about it more than i actually have it anymore..but then again i dont normally panic unless i'm out of my comfort zone)

just last night tod was saying that up to this point, this has been where i shine. the doing, the packing and getting things accomplished. once we hit the road and are in new territory and i've lost the line of safety net familiarity, i will be the one with problems. tod had problems with packing what little he had, and obviously trying to sell and get rid of things before the literal last minute. long as we are kind to each other and know our strengths and weaknesses we will do okay. i would not want to be in his shoes...i wouldn't want to be around me when we hit the road. i'm grateful i wont be alone this time. in 2003 when i left arizona to camp and travel on my own (and a year later ended up in vermont), i was constantly panicking. it was hell other than all the great people i met and hiking i got to do. then i was panicking because i didn't know where i was going, who i was....how i would make it.

now. i know who i am and know where i'm going but not how i will make it. and panic makes no sense. you have it and give it reasons but there are none. i'm usually afraid i'm going to lose my mind or say/do things that are just hideous. i get very uncomfortable around other people, its all fucked up mental stuff. but as i continue to grow and trust myself, trust life, trust others, i hope my mental health also continues to evolve and heal. it has already, it's just not always fun or pleasant when you have another layer coming off. its best to just stay in the present and tell myself my little jitters are not the rumblings of something big. chalk it up to excitement and learn to funnel that energy into another emotion or thought. easy to say....i'm working on it.

so. got my mini computer just in case there is anything worth relaying while en route. will have a little camera poised. i'm not much for documenting and snapping pictures for the sake of i was here. but you never know, i'm open to a more congenial paula.

somehow

funny, i realize there are some people who would love to know how its going, whats going, when its going. gone. i can't for the life of me summons the oomph to entertain. the day in and day out banalities of packing for a move are not interesting unless you strain a brain cell and try.

in a more reflective, somber sort of way i can already see that this is really what we are supposed to be doing. tod mentioned yesterday how little resistance we have had. and i agree. seems like from day one, living here has been a blessing and, for lack of better word, curse. i say that lightly. i forget what its called, but this house was specifically built on this land because of the energy field. its a place of no energy and its like having the RESET button pushed every day. i'm not making this up. its a real thing, kind of like the burmuda triangle....

anyhow. the deal is, you live here and soak that up and its like ground hog day. it begins anew over and over. how i managed to make art here is a miracle because god knows nothing else ever got done here. people come here to rest. heal. save marriages. SERIOUSLY. this isn't a place to LIVE day in and day out.

i've never experienced anything like it.

so when tod mentioned 'little resistance' i knew what he meant. the fact that no visitors have come (which for this time of year is freaky) and we have blessedly been left alone so we can make messes and do what needs to be done is astounding! Not only that, normally NOTHING ever gets done when its supposed to. that goes for the constant non showing up of workers when things break (tod did most repairs but the big things were contracted out). the phone lines that since the day i moved in 5 years ago, have rendered the phones unusable with buzzing and static no matter that new lines were put up all over town and up our mountain road, no matter the numerous experts who have come here to fix the problem. no matter what we mere mortals have tried, things just never work right. we've had a list of things that needed to get done before we left and suddenly everything is magically getting fixed. no matter the refrigerator guy has been here off and on for 3+ months trying to fix a 10,000 machine that beeps at all hours of the night. its fixed now. no matter that no painters would call or show up to repaint the garage door panels that needed replaced. tomorrow they will be done. no matter that many tedious things are all lining up and while our plates are overflowing at least they are being cleaned one by one. oh, and the phone....quiet as the night.

somehow tod will sell that van in the next 4 days. somehow he will manage to get rid of that monster float tank in the basement. somehow considering we know NO ONE who can help us move my TON of art materials, we have found two men who we can pay to help. and i have to believe that i got rid of just enough to somehow get all that stuff stuffed into a moving truck. so far my eyes aren't twitching with nerves. somehow in this horrible economy tod saved just enough money to enable us this journey. somehow i will sell enough art to pay him back and be able to pay my half of the new bills we will have.

timing is everything. we knew we were moving yet nothing felt right. a blogger innocently sent me that NY Times article on Dan Phillips and a few weeks later it hit us smack dab in the face that THAT is IT. the brain wants to say why we shouldn't do this. but the heart beats louder and leads the way.

inkling of excitement

alrighty. the car has been fixed. the teeth are as good as they are gonna get until i wanna come up with another grand for a new crown. no cavities so i wont complain. last order of bubble wrap arrived today in yet another rainy cold windy nasty day. i can finish packing.

i cannot wait to get to humid hot texas. i know it wont be like arizona at all, but at least i'm closer to the desert. i think i'm done with winters, east coast and midwest style. you can have your four seasons...i feel like it shortens my life span. time goes by too fast and the weather always messes with everything. no more. after this texas stint, which could be anywhere from 6 months to two years we have no real clue where to go but you can bet your sweet ass it isn't going to be in sub zero atmospheres. we say portland but its silly to project right now, and i'm so sick of rain i can't think about it right now. lets just focus on getting settled and learning and working on art again shall we?

i got a little excited finally. i'm really ready to leave this place. its just one thing after another here and we are so tired of taking care of other people's things. thank god for the chance to live somewhere for so long that was so beautiful and rent free, i remember tod telling me he cried when he first realized he was going to live here. then a year later when we met and i moved in, i too cried. it really is gorgeous here. its just like anything else....the beautiful woman might be beautiful on the outside but be a complete bitch on the inside. you know what i mean?

enough of that. just wanted to share a little oomph. paula is actually feeling excited. i still have no clue what i'm getting into. and i know it will be tough and we will be living in a less than desired place probably, but hey, we are at least ready to plunge into the next phase of our lives. take a little bit more risk and hopefully come out a little bit more ahead. and git a load of this map...lookee at all that hiking land! huntsville is a speck compared to all that forest. i always gotta be near nature so at least i got that going for me when we move. for now...its good. things are humming along and i'm sooooo ready to start living again and working on something. i can't stand no making art, having everything in boxes. one more week and it can't come soon enough!

epitaph

yesterday a woman was seen jumping off of the golden gate bridge. she had tied many coffee mugs around her waist, perplexing authorities about who she was and why more than 50 coffee mugs were attached to her. according to eyewitnesses, she had last been seen living under a bridge in a tent.

eyewitnesses say the coffee mugs made an incredible clanging noise as they hit each other and the victims own head. many of the mugs shattered but a few were still intact upon the victims dissension into the water. it is reported that a nearby fishing boat was seen paddling towards the body and actually stealing some of the mugs. the coast guard shooed them away upon arriving at the scene.

authorities were able to locate the victims next of kin after posting a few of the mugs on the national news, apparently there was a trail of mugs left all throughout the northeast as well as canada and alaska. people recognized them and phoned in with information regarding a woman known to have been camping in those areas, pawning her mugs off to other campers for food/gasoline and other necessities.

It only took a few hours for police to locate her family.

I wrote this when I was doing my temporary stint in MN for a winter while 'on the road'. I laugh now, but I was traumatized when I had to throw out so many of the coffee mugs I had painted over the winter months, I had painted exactly 100 of them and only took 2 small boxes with me. Couldn't fit them all into my car and didn't know enough people to sell them too. At that point I hadn't really become an 'artist' and none of my old friends were interested in them.

I think about that occasionally, especially now that i've recently thrown more art out that I just can't see taking with me. I suppose if I were feeling frisky and alive i would write another equally amusing epitaph about throwing out my rr plate art. they would certainly weigh one down alot faster than tile. My photography pieces, drawings and other art would probably float though so I would have to get much more creative in how I would kill myself with those pieces. Not something I have time to think about I guess. Or desire.

I'm in a very pasty mood. I should be excited shouldnt I? Or scared shitless? or SOMETHING. still feeling nothing (okay i feel sick in the middle of the night). mostly i am a dullard. i guess this has dragged on for so damn long, what, 8 weeks almost? how could i feel zesty when i read all you other artists are doing! i hope i have a life to share soon. my only interactions have been with cardboard boxes and dust.

blank

not sure why i feel so mute lately. i know if tod and i were going to portland, oregon we would be looking at all the things to do and places to look at art, walk, ride bikes etc. i'd be searching neighborhoods and getting excited.

now that we are for sure going to huntsville, tx to work as volunteers I'm baffled. i try not to imagine too much because that is when I get a little sick feeling. i know i will be living working in whatever home we find to rent. it has to be a cheap home with no carpet and a place i can somehow set up outdoor prep space for cutting wood and metal. will it be safe? will i bug neighbors? i have a long list of concerns.

every time we sit down on a sofa or i go to sleep at night i think, wow, soon we wont have sofa's and mattresses. no tables or desks. since we aren't sure it will work out and we might not live there more than 6 months AND need to save money in case we move on, buying stuff, even cheap stuff wont be an option unless desperation seeps in. if we can somehow earn some income...we will be okay. so far they haven't gotten grants and for sure we are going to be working for the pure joy of helping and learning. other than that i dont know what to expect.

my searches on craigslist show that were i a car nut, i would be in hog heaven. i suppose i could start collecting vehicle stuff...nah, too oily and dirty and heavy. guess i wont know until i get there what i'm REALLY doing. all i know is, here it is cold and rainy and already has snowed. there it is hot and humid and rainy. here we are on a mountainous blob of solitudiness land, there we will be on flat swampy areas (?) involved with human beings. i know that for sure my life will never be the same. this feels like the biggest risk taking thing i have ever taken on. i honestly have no idea what to think or feel. i guess its a good thing i dont know what to think. it keeps me in lobotomy mode. hopefully keeps me open and ready. it's unsettling for someone who is a control freak and i catch myself wondering how i got to this moment in my life....and thats when i have to jump up and go clean or pack or else i freak a bit.

two more weeks

In two weeks exactly we plan on leaving. I've not had the time or desire to search or think or plan. Now that my september art sale is done I can focus everything on packing and cleaning. We are having perfect weather: cold, rainy, chance of snow. So no distraction with wanting to play wiffle ball, go for long hikes or dealing with all the mowing.

I marvel at how it has been the most quiet here that I can remember for this time of year. We have pretty much been left alone, few visitors staying at the house, to my amazement, even the gardener has become a ghost of herself . The days zip by faster than ever and there really isn't much to think or talk about. So my blog gets a rest from my rants. And I hope that when I get to Texas my life opens up and while I know I will have challenges, I hope I no longer have the same frustrations and road blocks that I've experienced here. I know nothing is ever perfect but I find it hard to complain right now when I'm getting my 'sign' from the universe. I've been wanting to know what to do/where to go for over a year now, and the warmth and encouragement I've gotten so far from the people in Huntsville has superseded ANYTHING I could have imagined. It is very sobering to have that screaming voice inside my head completely silenced. I'm going to enjoy it while I can!