last chance

I'm never comfortable blasting horns about art, I figure if someone wants to buy something they will regardless of sales, but it sure can't hurt to mention one more time that my sale ends today! This is the last day to purchase select mixed media works and my RR Clocks at a discount. Many but not all of the clocks are listed on etsy (you can see them all here ). A handful of mixed media pieces are also on sale (listed on my website and a few on my etsy moving sale page) I'm pleased to have sold some clocks, photography and misc. works as this lightens the load a bit and helps send me on my way. Thank you so much to those of you who purchased art during the month of september! Tomorrow it all gets packed up and ready for it's new life!

moving to Texas

We finally decided its for sure Texas. We are going to go to Huntsville, get our hands dirty and learn all we can about building reclaimed homes. It's a bit much to take in, and honestly I find myself thinking less than ever. What is there to think about? It is all happening seemingly on its own and it is a relief to have the ball in motion and not have to suppose or get into a head trip about anything. I have no idea what to expect and I like it that way. All I know is this:

we leave oct 15.
we are going to huntsville texas to volunteer for the phoenix commotion (sidebar link)
we plan to rent a house and set it up as an art studio for both tod and myself.
we will be living as simply as possible, bringing our art supplies/tools/clothing/computer and kitchen stuff
we are going to get some help from the people there, in advance they are going to scout out some possible homes for rent
there might be a venue for my work there believe it or not so if all goes well i will have more opportunity to show/sell art there, than i have had here.

I look back at my life and remember being a small child making intricate towns and structures in the sandbox. or playing with american bricks and building homes; using lincoln logs or playing cards to build build build. i remember watching my father using tools to redo the house or construction workers magically creating a building and thinking how do they DO that?! i have always said i want to build my own home. design it. but sometimes you say things and dont believe you will or CAN. i still struggle with thinking i'm too physically weak or dyslexic. or whatever other stupid labels i have foisted upon myself. this might very well be IT. and if it isn't thats okay too. at least i'm closer to having an opportunity to finding out if this is indeed what i want. all we can do is try.

another week goes by

If I didn't know better, looking at the top photos I'd say what the hell have you been doing anyway paula? are you even packing?! but yes, I have worked non-stop now, this must be week 5. Considering it took me 5 years to collect and make all that i have made, it is fitting that it take me at least a week for each year. there is progress..the lower photos show the boiler room, which was stuffed, is now mostly empty boxes. the stuff on the shelves is the houses' and not mine. I would have more packed and done too but have to keep things out as my art sale is still going on. sale ends wed, then it all gets packed!

this was the hardest week yet. i had a meltdown, which i knew would happen but didn't know when or what would trigger it. it was when i actually went against my gut and got a storage unit. i know not everyone can keep up with our vacillating plans. in a nutshell, a recap if you will....

first we were going to move to portland.
then we were sent a link (see video clip about 5 posts down) which intrigued me enough to want to consider going to texas instead.
then we decided to put stuff in storage here in vermont, hit the road, swing by texas see if we could get experience with building reclaimed homes, maybe swing up to detroit...find people in the states who would tutor us...let us get our hands dirty and learn something, THEN move to portland.
then we decided (without even mentioning it on the blog) that we would drive to portland get set up and tod would fly to texas, providing they let him volunteer, and start learning while i get my momentum back with art showing/making and establishing contacts.
two days ago, when i got the storage unit i melted.

knowing the dimensions. having them marked off in the basement was different than seeing the small space in person. had we just gone to portland i could have filled that 15ft truck to the brim. as it is i spent 3 weeks straight getting rid of stuff. now i was supposed to fill up a small storage unit (8x9x10). realized i needed one more unit that wasn't climate controlled (dont need to protect scrap just art and wood etc)....and realized paying $150 a month in storage was NUTS especially since we would need to drive ALL the way back to vermont some day and get this stuff and still haul it across the country.

melt down big time
tod didn't really want to drag this stuff to texas not knowing IF we would like it there, and he thought the truck rental cost would be the same (which thankfully it isn't). mostly he wanted to be FREE for awhile especially since its mostly all my stuff so who can blame him. hence the moving to portland and HIM being the vagabond. we realized i didn't need to do the vagabond thing AGAIN. and bless his heart he was prepared to deal with my panic and needing to be comfortable in certain ways that were he alone he wouldn't need to deal with. so we decided its best he do it alone and we would both be learning and doing and have valuable info. to share once we got back together.

nothing made sense and nothing felt right. we were waiting to hear back from my email to these people in texas and limbo was making me crazy. time was ticking...i couldn't take not knowing what we were doing. getting that storage unit solidified that NOTHING FELT RIGHT and i freaked.

long story, trying to cut short.
we heard back from them, it is looking more and more like yes, we are going to haul everything down there and volunteer. we still need to talk to the head honcho and find out if we give them what they want and need (labor, possible volunteer overseeing and other non-building duties) will we get to eventually learn and take part in actually building something that is mostly re purposed. will it be worth our time. we get the feeling it will be. we wont know until we get our feet wet.

go google hunstville texas....google images of huntsville and it leaves you a little unsettled. this isn't going to be a picnic but the people seem very nice and community based. we did talk to the assistant of this project last night for 2 hours so we got a good feel for things. if all goes as planned we will talk to dan tomorrow or sometime very soon. it looks like we would already have someone helping us find affordable temporary living, and i would be able to get back to art making. it sounds as if this little city (town?) is beginning to move towards culture on a much bigger scale and art is included in that. would we live there permanently? probably not. we still want to get to portland, but are willing to do whatever it takes to learn valuable skills, and the huge plus is, we get to make a difference in other peoples' lives at the same time. purpose. learning. being a part of something that makes sense to us, it is worth the hassle and uncomfortableness.

i know this still may not make sense to people yet. i dont want to go into details and speak too soon or talk about another persons' project when i know nothing really. suffice to say it looks more and more likely we will go to huntsville and be involved on some level with the phoenix commotion (see sidebar).

crying wolf

'i'm not going to blog for awhile. blah blah blah'

well, it has been 4 days. thats awhile. for some reason it seems like ages. i guess i like my blog. i like my readers. i dont like how vulnerable i feel sometimes and how idiotic and stubborn and naive and brittle i think i appear but i am what i am.

i dont know what it is about 3 weeks that makes everything suddenly seem dangerously close. while i'm not big into astrology, i did realize that mercury went into retrograde i think sept 9 and thats akin to being on a boat in a storm with nothing tied down. if you aren't prepared watch out.

so i broke my toe. i found out i need $500 in car work done. i realized i probably have a cavity and 6 years worth of plaque that needs attention, not to mention some other issues in this mouth of mine. someone on facebook suggested i trade art (which i tried to do a few years ago and got no response.). at my wits end about $$ i tried again, and while they haven't looked at my art and didn't say either way, they are going to look at me for free this week to assess me, considering i told them i get panicky and can't sit there long i'm impressed they would bother. at least i wont have to pay all that hyperbolic 'new patient' stuff.

while i haven't sold as many clocks as i'd hope in my sale, i have diligently taken new photos of older works and am happier than a clown that i've sold a few prints. sold the rest of my candle holders and hope before the end of the month a few more things go.

having decided to hit the road and stuff everything in a storage unit is proving to be more of a challenge than i really want. for some reason all of this is bringing up all my issues about LIFE. it feels like i'm an astronaut and about to cut the cord and float off into blackness. unknown creepy black holes that will swallow me up. ironically this is harder for me than when i left arizona. at least then i had a mini plan...work at yellowstone, probably go to MN for the winter (which I did) and then head east....make art and live life happily ever after. i had no clue WHAT i'd make but i just assumed i would find whatever it was. and i did.

this time i don't really know what i'm going out there for. i mean, tod and i want to go find people. tutors if you will. get experience. knowledge. but those 3am thoughts invade my sleep and my brain wants to bring up worst case scenarios. this is the first time in my life i dont want to plan and prepare. its more nerve wracking but once you realize you are open to something you also realize you need to just throw yourself out there and let it happen. the thing i dread the most is the thing i need the most. unknown. uncertainty. i know i will get all freaky and panicky. i can feel it nipping at my heels. maybe this will be the final cure. i wish i was as excited as tod is. part of me wants to puss out and go to oregon instead and live in the sheet rock box of a space. safe. safe. safe. and yet part of me knows we have to do this. dont know why, but we do. have to stop looking back at what i had and what i dont want (thanks for that reminder you know who you are) and keep thinking about what i DO want. for once in my life i want to have some dignity. not a lot, just a little. i want to be able to look back and not cringe at how i handle myself. for once in my life....just a little dignity.

over 500 posts

I have nothing to say lately. Well, not anything that anyone probably wants to read. I noticed I've written just over 500 posts, this is the fifth hundred and third. Not that that means anything. Just realizing there is a lot of written word here. Sprinkle in the posts I have deleted and I've probably 50 more. Could be a good time to take a break. Nothing fabulous or exciting is happening. There is a month left give or take a week before we scoot off into the unknown. I realize I'm not miss peppy and optimistic right now and lately I feel like I have the plague so perhaps its best I bow out. If and when I'm happy and hopeful and have good news to share I'll pop back in. I'm doing you all a favor, and probably myself as well by shutting up.

gather round

...its movie time. 'Up the Yangtze', one of those movies that you can't not watch but feel uneasy doing so. I still have images of this movie in my head from two days ago.

I don't have the energy or real desire to go on about it. Just wanted to put it out there and let you decide if you want to watch it by dint of the link.

And me? I'm in a limbo of sorts. Not quite ready to start putting things in storage. Waiting til the end of the month as my art sale ends then; then it will be time to pack it up for good. More dickering around with do I keep this too? Sizing up what needs to be done to the house in order to leave it in good condition. And mostly avoiding doing anything right now. Will be busy enough soon enough and taking a break from the last 3 weeks of crazy unloading of stuff.

THANGS

I keep thinking of the show on monday nights 'hoarders'. its an intervention of sorts of people who have serious (in my opinion its a mental illness) hoarding going on and are up for evictions etc. Watching the amount of stuff get thrown out that is now decrepit with cat or mouse droppings and moldy food, clothes, wood and whatever else spores thrive on, makes me a little angry. They have to destroy it all, nothing can be salvaged.

Tod and I have the least amount of personal possessions over anyone I know and yet my art stuff is another matter. I went from thinking I was pairing down BIG TIME and putting it all into a 26ft, then a 22ft, then a 17 ft. then a 16 ft truck and NOW it is going into a 7x8x10 storage closet. If I truly had enough belief in myself I would get rid of it all and just leave sans shit.

Most of us have too much stuff and we all know it I think. Few of us ever deal with it head on, we leave it to whoever is in our wills to deal with. Not nice if you ask me. I don't want to deal with another persons STUFF. For years I have thought to myself, when I die all I want is a chance to have gotten rid of it all and walk off into the desert or the mountains and be gone. I would love to leave with the clothes on my back when that time comes, and hobble off to die in nature.

So now that tod and I have decided to go get hands on experience out there and not drag everything with us right now, I'm going through the packed boxes for the third time and being ruthless. While I don't like the idea of getting rid of things I spent time and money on (yes not all of my scrap was free), I've learned my lesson I hope from when I left Arizona and stuffed a 5x10 storage unit with things 'just in case'. Just in case I didn't make it on the road long and needed to come back with my tail between my legs and get a studio apartment or something. Worst thing I EVER did. I'm still dealing with that crap....have had to have friends go through it all and things got tossed and lost and misplaced or abused (though I'm thankful I had someone to help me otherwise it would still be there rotting). What little I had sent to me (more money down the drain in retrospect) was stinky, wasn't 'me' or was outdated. We don't have that luxury here. We don't know anyone to help us or send stuff. We will have to come back for it so by god it better be worth it because vermont is in the corner of the frickin end of the earth.

I wonder, will my art supplies be like that too? Will those items I hold in high esteem to make more art with look less appealing? I'm sure I will have moved on and found new things to work with. I have no idea. What if in 6 months we want to settle somewhere and pick up where we left off? It's exhausting. I hate being wasteful but I hate holding on. THINGS. The little dinky things we have is why we haven't left yet. Tod and I both have little THINGS to pick up, clean, look at, decide what to do with. I broke my toe yesterday navigating and running to avoid hitting THINGS stacked up, and instead hit the door.

The art is the only thing I care about, the one thing I look at and think holy cow, this came from me and its beautiful. Maybe next time tod and I live somewhere we will have friends and a community and we can have a goodbye art auction when we move on. That ain't happening here....time to limp back into the basement.

update about paula page

I added to the bottom and tweaked a bit before, but here is my website about me update:

...Within a year of living in Vermont I had made enough art to start exhibiting. In Jan 2006 I got gallery representation at the West Branch Gallery & Sculpture Park in Stowe, Vermont and spent the next three years exhibiting locally. I learned a lot during that time but as is the case when you are going at warp speed, I feel I have outgrown this area and even my own desires in that time. I thought being in galleries would be the end all be all. It was not. My interests in re-purposing materials and making functional art have begun to outweigh my interest in decorative works. The last year especially I have been interested in making studio furniture as well as home design/building. While I have absolutely no skills (yet) nor the money or land to do so (yet), I am going back out there, back on the road (this time with my friend Tod) where we hope to embark on an education of sorts. It will be an adventure, once again, and one I hope that will land me closer to my destiny. I need to feel useful. I need to not be a part of redundancy. I personally cannot stand the thought of living in a box. A dry walled, painted dismal dungeon. I want to be a part of creating something that is bigger than myself. What that is, where that is, I do not know yet. All I know is I feel a tug and have to trust I will find the place, the people on the other end.

Needless to say, when I hit the road in mid October, my art will not be available for sale as I wont have access to it. If you find yourself wanting to help support an artist on her journey, if you feel a pull towards a certain piece of art, September is the last month to do so. I will pack it up and put it in storage after that. I thank all of you who up to this point have supported me emotionally as well as by purchasing art. You are buying more than an inanimate object, you are getting a piece of my heart and soul.

going for it (again)

I couldn't embed the one I want you to watch. It's the last one, that is 26 min. long, although I like the others too, this one speaks to me the most. Nellie sent me a new york times article about Dan Phillips five days ago which I read and deleted after sending tod a link. Then I found myself going through the garbage and looking at it again. And again. And again. And today I realized after hearing Dan talking about drywall...and houses...that I CANNOT BEAR to go live in another stupid house or apartment. I find it all so offensive that I would rather stay in flea bag motels or camp and just get my wits about me. Tod too. So goodby moving truck. Goodby hauling shit to another box and living life like always. Gonna sift through more, get rid of more, shove my art into storage and hit the road in my car. (with tod of course) If you see something you want to buy get it, because when I'm on the road I wont be trotting back to Vermont anytime soon to pull something out of storage.

What will we do you ask? Well who the hell knows. Find people to work with and learn from. Get experience. Learn new skills. Taste different areas and explore. Be free. I don't know. Anything is better than moving into a dreary space that is noxious and cookie cutter-like. Anything is better than walking on the treadmill. I don't know what I want, but I DO know what I DONT want. It sucks to feel so lost and amoeba like, I'm frustrated beyond belief. When life isn't working you can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That is the definition of insanity. So back to tossing myself out there, this time I will have Tod with me. A gang of two instead of one. Maybe in a few years there will be a tribe.

what

so yesterday i went to montpelier to get my work out of the gallery. when he asked me a few questions like when are you leaving/ portland huh?/ have you been checking all the art galleries? and when i heard myself saying out loud that i didn't know when we are leaving (i like not having a date but to others it sounds insane), and portland we think but we could just keep on driving or stop before we get there, and no, i'm not checking galleries...i started focusing on that tiny pit in my stomach that feels like something isn't right.

tod has this sense too. you see, we dont want to just go live in an ugly box and eek out an existence. we have little choice so it seems...as we aren't exactly in financial hog heaven and we have little in the way of skills to fall back on that we can or want to do again. tod doesn't want to go back to coaching people/weight training. he doesn't want to do tech work and probably couldn't as he really hasn't kept up with stuff. he certainly doesn't want to drive a cab again either. and i as you all have heard ad nauseum cannot massage anymore without going into instant pain. and i cannot stand all day and cut vegetables or cook like i did in my 20's.

i am struggling with the black hole. we know there is no going back. we stay here and tod's money will just disappear without us having gotten out and made a go at it. i leave this place and go instantly into debt as i haven't the money to live on. i can't stand that. that makes me feel i've started the game way behind everyone else. but i've always felt that way, seems to bother me more now because life feels harder when you are broke and almost 50.

so to the people online that say isn't this exciting? isn't this wonderful? i say not really. i dread it but i've made the decision to shake up my glass globe and must endure what i've done. get used to what got displaced and figure out what NOW. when i watch tv all i can focus on is what i see in the background. if its a scene in the city, people driving or just being out there, i focus HARD on that. feeling and remembering what it was like to live in so much concrete and how streets are clogged with bodies and metal and how trapped you can feel. i've changed drastically since leaving arizona, camping, traveling on the road and now living 5 years in nature, i can't say i'm looking forward to living in that again. yes it will be nice to have little places to go to, but we aren't consumers and with needing to watch money big time its not like we will be wining and dining. its for the people, the community, the interaction that we do this.

or at least the hope of people, the hope of something happening which hasn't happened and couldn't happen here. which takes me back to that little pit in my stomach like sonar that sends out signals of distress. what are we not seeing? how can we make this work so we CAN live in a place that we can treat like a science project? i think what i want more than anything is a way to live that isn't like the norm. the thing that makes me feel queasy is knowing i will live in someone else's house or apartment and i can't configure my surroundings. i will be stuck with their walls/floors/cabinets etc. its in the living that i want my creativity to have a chance to expound. i want to have people who can help me realize my potential and creativity. i dont want to do it all myself. i dont even know what IT is. i just know i want to orchestrate something. it's so big and i'm so small. its so big i can't get far enough away from it to make out what it is.

i'm probably talking nonsense.

i feel unsettled thinking about moving my art stuff somewhere else and just picking up where i left off. and i feel unsettled thinking about moving my art stuff somewhere else and NOT just picking up where i left off. and i feel unsettled thinking about the seemingly never ending cycle of making art and having to always lug it around when i move. and i feel unsettled because half of me really wants to just leave everything behind while the other half feels it is my only life boat i have. i think i will be making/doing new things so why lug all this? where is the enthusiasm to trudge into new galleries showing work i know i wont make anymore? and my old work i have? looking at it i feel a sense of awe, its an unforgettable chapter of just the beginning of a very thick book. i wish i could blink and sell it all and be free. move and start on the next thing without the strings and strands clinging to me. there are no rules and i could do it. i have no problem letting go of things, nothing has sentimental value to me, not things, not thoughts. not people. not really. but it doesn't make sense to let everything go. but it doesn't feel right to keep it. and the days get marked off and the unknown moving date looms larger.

i wonder

...if i will take the wonder horse with me.

yin and yang

the wonderful thing, for the most part, about having tod in my life is that we constantly are in polar opposite mode. a few weeks ago, this whole move thing had me lit up. never mind any of the how's i was charged up and performing near inhuman feats for days on end. up and down stairs tossing moving storing packing. up and down. to the dump. unloading and loading. the female Arnold Schwarzenegger took over my being.

tod was almost incapacitated with a back teetering on outage. my back was killing me too but i'm the one with a ton of art crap. i was getting high off of a sense of purpose. driven by a mad desire to have things in order asap so i can rest a bit before actually packing a truck and driving for a week. he was also more daunted than i was. i was in strong we can do anything mode. now i'm sinking into oh god mode and he is feeling strong and anticipating opportunity.

enter week three. sprinkle in some pms. sprinkle in more delving into reality online and seeing homes for rent, scanning craigslist gigs for dinky little jobs to entertain doing and realizing the quiet we experience here will never be again. realizing i will have to work and it will suck. and i will be sleeping on a floor in my sleeping bag and we wont have anything to furnish our place with but art.

guess who is more energized and feeling excited NOW? uh that would be tod. we will trade these feelings i'm sure many more times. it will be expected i will probably go into panic mode somewhere sometime, be it while traveling there or actually there. tod will get stronger and more excited. i will wonder what i'm doing.

i know i dont want to stay here really, probably not even if we had our own place and could live as we please...it just isn't happening here. i just want the safety and quiet. well, kiss it goodbye. prepare for noise. buying bottled water. being part of society. today i feel like i dont have some key ingredient that will allow me success. maybe i will always be poor and working for min. wage. i will never be making $60 an hour like i used to as a massage therapist. someone asked me recently on facebook if i would make art while on the road or go through withdraw not making art for so long. right now i'm so tired and wired and distracted i have no desire to make art. just want to make it there in one piece and rest. curl up in a little ball and shove earplugs into my head and rest. i'm sure i will be more enthused when i finally start to get involved with something.

so when i'm blah tod shows me reality and growth and when he's blah i probably drive him crazy but i try my best to give him strength and hope too. we do a good job of filling in empty spaces that resides in the others' character. i can't imagine doing this with anyone else.

September Moving Sale

I am having a moving sale on my Limited Ed Clocks on Etsy during the month of September! Take 25% off the price and I pay for shipping. If you've had your eye on a particular one, have a special someone to splurge on, now is the time. (not all clocks are listed there, you can see the rest here) My goal is to sell at least 10 clocks this month to help offset the costs of driving/moving everything to Portland Oregon in October.

While my Mixed Media Assemblages aren't 25% off, I am open to offers. In the coming days I will be posting some photos and misc. art that will also be discounted. The more I can sell and lighten my load the better!

Feel free to contact me with any questions about a particular piece. October 1 the sale ends and art will be packed up and no longer available for sale until after I have moved and am settled. Thanks to those who have already purchased clocks in the last few weeks!