in my head in my head

Yesterday I watched a doc. called, The Planet. I know I shouldn't watch this stuff because invariably I get totally funked out and want to not be a part of humanity. I get overwhelmed and frustrated, annoyed at people who have kids, buy things, basically anyone who lives. (that includes myself)....and that I know is not healthy.

Why blog about it. How does this have anything to do with art? In my little head it has everything to do with art because I am choosing to try to live as an artist instead of a massage therapist. Instead of a taxi driver. Instead of the office worker or cog in the big rusty wheel of life that is seemingly spinning out of control into an inevitable doomed disaster. As I sit and glue my puzzle thing, one piece after another, day in and day out, listening to music and eying the outdoors my mind wanders. It wonders outside of the now. The now is usually filled with okay. Outside of the now is usually worry, fear, anger and no sense of peace.

So I'm thinking about purpose. Not a day goes by I don't think about purpose. Having none. Mostly I have no purpose since purpose is something we make up anyhow. Real purpose I guess is when you don't even know what you do for others but do it despite yourself. And that brings me back to this documentary. I ache to have a purpose and at least be in touch with it without stroking a single hair of ego. I think art and me have yet to meet on common ground. When I look out at the world I mostly feel a total disconnection with nearly everyone and everything. I know that is to a large extent why I drank like a fish, it helped buffer the hideous screaming in my head as I failed to understand what the fuck everyone was doing. It's all madness at times and it still only makes sense when I have that one on one connection. When I connect with myself through art or with you guys or the rare occasional real life connection when I'm out there buying groceries or actually decide to do a cab ride or whatever else odd thing I might do that day. Maybe I will never know what purpose I have served on this aching earth. It makes me crazy not feeling able to just accept. Accept that maybe I will just toot through life with nothing much happening. Sometimes I don't even know what I want to happen. Art in an of itself doesn't mean very much. If I were able to just crank out art day in and day out and sell it to people I know I wouldn't be happy. I think it would feel very empty honestly, to have strangers buying my work in galleries and never meeting them or having them know anything about me. So what do I want then? I drive myself crazy with this.

The documentary on the planet detailed our over-consumptive debt to nature, to the planet ~ which is a far greater travesty than our financial debt will ever be. How do I fit in, how do I make any difference as an artist? Can I? Should I? What would that look like. I sometimes feel like god just let me get through whatever time I have left on this earth and let me be done. I want out. I'm tired of playing the game called life. But maybe I'm just tired of the rules I've chosen to play with. Maybe we can only do what we do as best we can and to put the onus of saving the world on our shoulders would cause anyone to go mad. How do you rectify the selfishness in just doing what you want to do....make art, verses making some difference. And who am I? Who are we to think we know what will or wont make a difference. And will we ever be able to be objective about that anyhow? Why is it not okay for me to just do what I want to do? Maybe that Irish Catholic DNA of martyrdom is lodged in my temporal lobe for good and I just have to learn how to skirt around it like a dangerous abyss. Maybe I need to keep searching for my people. Maybe I need to keep going forth into the thick blanket of fear that I'm ever aware of in front of me, instead of standing there frozen. Maybe I shouldn't watch documentaries about how much shit people buy and how much shit people waste and how we repopulate ourselves as if our lives depend on there being MORE of us. Interesting how I get angry. I guess I feel helpless and useless. As if my making art solves anything. Helps anyone but myself.

Fiber Artist Kim Habric

I wanted to write about a fellow artist, blogger friend who has recently finished a body of work called 'New Orleans Series'. I've been enjoying Kim's blog for well over a year now, she never fails to make me laugh with her dry humor and keen wit. Kim is seemingly always challenging herself to push further than she is sometimes comfortable with, this last series is proof what can come about when you follow your passion. She has had New Orleans on her mind, from listening to music, reading, and in yanking that little google guy around and visiting god knows where on google maps.... from that obsession a whole collection has grown!

I am curious to see what she is able to do next with this series. Part of what intrigues me about Kim is her frustrations with getting the art out there, finding the right place for both her and her work. It hasn't been easy and I'm not sure she is any closer to really knowing how she wants it all to play out, but I hope with this new series and her desire to donate a % of the earnings to New Orleans, that she will get closer to finding her people, her place.

One thing I know, she is talented at what she does. On Kim's about her page she says:

My art relies primarily on nature for its imagery. I create my own fabrics using paints that react with the sun. I often use leaves, pine needles, or grasses to pattern my fabrics. I also use shapes cut from thin sheets of foam.

Above is a piece of fabric saturated with paint, and covered with leaves drying in the sun. After the paint is dry, I remove the leaves (or other pieces), heat-set my fabrics with an iron, and my fabric is ready to use. (see below)

Kim also incorporates applique and decorative stitching as well as beading and stamping to her works; the end result being lots of texture, shape, color, and movement.

I appreciate Kim as an artist because she too is out there doing her thing with little to no support and yet she keeps plugging away despite the frustration and doubt. While our works are very different, I feel a kinship with Kim and am glad to know she is out there. I wish you the BEST with this new series and hope you find the perfect place to exhibit and sell it! You can see her work on her website, etsy, and ebay. Go check her out and say hello!

Felter Vilte Kazlauskaite

The best thing about doing that ETSY treasury a few days ago besides showcasing friends & new found works, was getting a comment from someone who does this work! We've had a few emails since and I asked Vilte if I could share this piece & write about her on my blog. I can't stop looking at this rug, it is a landscape of beautiful terrain, I disappear every time I look into it.

I'm most impressed by her website, the way she showcases her work is art in and of itself. Vilte Kazlauskaite, is a felter from Lithuania, on her profile she says:

I started my journey into magical world of felt about 3 years ago (I was a psychologist, dance therapist before). Felting became an important part of my life, I got so much into it that I have also published a book "Veltinis" ("Felt") about felting technique in Lithuania (it is the first book in Lithuania covering this textile art).

Her works are represented in galleries and boutiques in Lithuania. I'm intrigued and inspired by her work as she is a self taught artist, wife and mother of two small children and yet manages to find time and inspiration to work even without the benefit of a studio. The wool she uses is as she says, absolutely raw wool from rare breed of sheep - Drenthe Heath. Vilte uses other usual and prepared fibers as well. She says these rugs are her favorites but due to the nature of the work she rarely makes them. She explains: ...that this wool is straight from the sheep - it is dirty and has a smell but after the felting process the rug is absolutely clean of course, though I leave in some pieces of straws that get entangled with wool some times. It is more natural and wild for me in this way... I love it's wild and at the same time elegant nature..

Vilte also has two blogs (I've yet to find a translator for a Lithuanian website, so far just bits of text) which you can find on her website, her other works are elegant, colorful, sensual and surprising! There are many more works on her website so go have a look! Thank you for letting me write about you and your work, I know you have that special something and you are going to make it!

phone photos

The Whale Tails are literally a stones throw from the Interstate en route to Burlington from Stowe on I89. There is an Industrial Park whereby you can park and dog walk or just walk yourself which I did on Sunday. It was a windy bright blighty day and all I had on me was my cell phone. I took these without having any view of the LED on my phone and was pleased at how they came out. They look so painterly and surreal. I personally have never cared for them as I zoom by, but standing there next to them, looking up at their mighty tails I had more feeling for them than ever before. They seemed out of place and lonely to me after having stood right next to them.

I walked around for awhile and then walked on the sidewalks around the Industrial Circle to see if I could find any auto scrap. I saw a sewer type lid thing on the sidewalk and decided to shoot it. This is a close up of it, which again on a cell phone is always a little eerie and distorted. I wish I could have just dug that out of the sidewalk and stuck it on my wall, insta-art!

i've been seeing whipped cream things

Stowe woman accused in whipped cream heists

The last few times Tod and I have gone walking on the roads in Stowe for found objects, we have seen a lot of whipped cream tops (just last night on a very short walk we saw empty containers too all over the side of the road). Included in the druggish trash are tons of small propellant cartridges (tod thinks nitrous oxide is in them for people to get high) scattered all over like little silver science capsules. It's disturbing to think people are just sitting around in their cars in Stowe fumigating their brains. So this morning I look online at the Stowe Reporter and see this article. I had to laugh, it all makes sense now. (the link doesn't work anymore oh well)

It's kind of a relief to know wtf, I was beginning to wonder what was up! If you dont read the article, know this, the police followed a trail of them to her motel. She has stolen a few hundred dollars worth within days, littering the roads or leaving them in the stores as she sucks down the gases from them, tossing the cans, still filled with lifeless whipped cream. I know addiciton is nothing to laugh at but if you saw all the whipped tops I've seen lately it creates a surreal vision of some out of control vehicle with canisters being tossed out at an unbelievable rate.


I went back to take pictures of the oodles of canister things I've seen but the recent snow covered them all up. This lone one was in a tipped over faux garbage can at a park parking lot.

presentation and thoughts

I take bad pictures for my blog posts. I know this. Compare Sarala's found object post to mine below and you would think I found dog poop and she diamonds. Why do I do this? Because everything is laid out in the basement, the dingy dark lit by buzzing fluorescent lights basement. And the house owners are here so I can't wash things, can't lay them out. I'm too impatient most times even when no one is around. If I don't do it when I think about it then I will have moved on.

So now I'm thinking about web and etsy presence. I'm thinking how I think I do alright when it comes to documenting my work for my web and Etsy site but I know there is much better to be had were I patient, were I able to find any normal lighting in our basement dwelling. But I have to say I can live with it and ironically, if given the chance (meaning when people buy from me online) so far everyone says my work looks even better in person once they get it. That could mean, probably does mean my pictures suck but they weren't so bad as to keep someone from taking the chance and buying something. I've decided to look at this as a positive because of an experience I recently had.

I actually bought something on ETSY ladies and gentlemen. Yes ME. Minimalist poor person who only buys gas and food for the most part. Me who doesn't wear baubles or even wear nice enough clothing to warrant a bauble accoutrement. I got sucked into the etsy fever when I was doing that treasury last week and in my search for pieces to post in my treasury I came across some stone jewelry that knocked my socks off. The PHOTOS were fantastic. My eyeballs saw this necklace that in reality (after having received it) was much smaller. Considerably smaller. I'm a moron when it comes to reading directions, understanding what something is on paper. So in my mind this necklace transformed me into a topless African beauty donning a grass skirt as my bare feet leap over rocks, an oily,panting Chita just a grasp away. It was powerful and I decided I was tired of being frugal and not ever buying anything for ME.

When I got it I knew instantly that I would never wear it. It's just like the picture showed, the person wasn't misleading (it didn't show it around a neck, it was laying on a beautiful rock so in my head it was much bigger in real life). I'm not going to ask for a refund just because I'm an idiot who didn't bother to read how tiny the stones were. It will make a wonderful present and god knows I'm way overdue giving anyone anything. But it did make me think about how all the art and things I see online, presented in a fantastic way could disappoint when you get them. If you take pictures that make something look fantastic when the person gets the piece are they going to be like me and expect to see exactly what they saw online? Will they not get that that tiny 4x4 drawing that looks like a Pollock sized masterpiece on your monitor is really just a tiny piece of paper? Will they care? I would. But that's me and I know I'm a tough cynical little cookie. So I'm okay with my less than stellar photos. They are like me. Not so beautiful, a little dim and not for everyday consumption.

a little of this a little of that

A few days ago Tod and I went out with our baggies and roamed the roadside. Found some fun things, even a working pedometer! It's still exciting and fresh to go out there looking and finding what I deem to be 'treasures' laying in waiting. Got some metal, plastic, thick black car rubber (my favorite lately) and misc. stuff, not bad for a mile round trip on a beautiful crisp day. Once it gets a little warmer and hopefully a little cloudier I hope to take some pictures. I forgot all about my idea to make some mini mixed media pieces. I wonder if THEN I can sell a mixed media piece online. (so far they sell in galleries just fine) The clocks seems to do good but it's still driving me nuts I can't figure out how to sell a mixed media piece myself. Maybe that will be the next thing I try to get on ETSY. I've been spending alot of time there looking at a plethora of work. Did you know Rosie O'Donnell has stuff on there? She donates it all to a program she started, Rosie's Broadway Kids, THAT is awesome ~ I try not to get jealous that she draws on those munny dolls and actually sells them. (I never knew about those dolls and I checked them out and am INCREDULOUS the stuff people buy). I DO like her wire things, and I love that she takes pictures of herself with her art and she always looks tired, pissed, like she can't stand having her photo taken. It makes me smile. I wish I had enough clout that people would buy my stuff and I could loan more to KIVA. But who am I....just another artist like everyone else.



*I should shut up, I just went to KIVA to loan more money from my last sale even though the person didn't care to do it and all the loans had been given, THATS INCREDIBLE. And now they have teams if you want to be a part of that when they find new entrepreneurs that need loans. Why aren't we able to do this here I wonder....

Etsy Treasury

I made my first treasury on etsy today. (only took three + hours good grief). I felt pressured to make a name as I didn't know if some unseen time limit was upon me. The treasury thing is a little complicated at first since you can't even make one until there are only 333 lists; anything over that (every time I've looked its well over 500) and the option to make one is non-existent. I found myself going there obsessively looking to see how close the listings were to 333 and almost gave up. Low and behold this morning my first hit and it was at 333, the magic opening appeared and I went in.

Anyhow, the name might sound stupid 'Natural Beauty', but I was trying to get into that 'etsy zone' of all that is female and true to myself at the same time. Half of you are my friends and the others I just randomly picked. Hope it spreads your work out there!

oh yeah

I'm happy to say I just sold this clock online to a repeat buyer from last year! I post the solds here because I think it's good to share with people when something sells, especially when it appears no one has any money to spend on superfluous things. It's cool too because the person found my website via another website that I had no idea about that was out there in the world and had a photo of one of my clocks and a link. I was sure to thank them and let them know about the sale. The internet works in strange ways.

This piece 'Sculpted in Time' is on it's way to San Fransisco to a clothing designer. It's a gift and I feel so honored to have had someone buy it for another artist! It gives me a boost to be sure and maybe that basement wont look so harsh if I can just remember I wont have to work there forever, one of these days I will find a way to have a studio that feels great to be in. I figure if I've made art under these conditions I can only improve when my environment is more pleasant yes? In the meantime I have to somehow let go of my aversion and get back in there. Talk is cheap, it will happen when it happens. In the meantime thank god for a sale!

yawn

i'm gonna be loopy the next few weeks. i already am. the people [who own this house] are here which means my whole sleep gets off and radically diminished. sleep is something i've learned to covet. when i was little my mom told me that she dreaded waking me to bottle feed me as i was a GROUCH even as a baby.

as a child i was hard to rouse. as a teenager forget about it. the phone could ring next to my head and the alarm going off and i wouldn't hear it. then sleep deprivation started. i started working insane hours, late at night or early in the morning. sprinkle in a good dose of drunk and suddenly i was sleeping during the day a few hours and not much more, unless being passed out counts as REM. as an adult double it. no triple it.

so now. here i am, no real job (taxi driving is usually saturday night these days IF), no reason to get up YET (the gardener will be coming in another month and waking me with her voice and loud car radio and cigarette stench at 6am). ....and i still sleep a shitty sleep, i still wake up 20-50 times a night but sometimes, yes sometimes i feel rested and believe i did the best i'm capable of. so when i start to lose my grip on my frail grasp of semi decent sleep i unravel. tod gets to hear me complain how exhausted i am. he gets the grumpalumpa who suddenly doesn't even talk coherently half the time. i've been up since 4am, after two hours of tossing like a rotating hot dog i give up, give in, get dressed and make coffee to perk me up and further wipe out my adrenals.

art? i'm still working on my selfish puzzle piece. i'm still thinking about when i'm going to go back into the dark thick aired basement and feel touched by lightness and joy. i was telling someone i've outgrown my studio space and would like to rent a studio. he asked how big. this is a sculptor who works in granite that weighs god knows how many tons...his studio is 1200 ft. he didn't believe i would want more than 5 or 600 let alone 1000. he has no idea. none. how much stuff i have and want. how much ground space i need to lay things out. how much room i need for all those cool things i've been collecting. how i would probably sleep there if i could when people are here.

Artist Steve Javiel

Steve Javiel is a new follower to my blog, I checked his website out and got excited by some of his mixed media pieces. I have his permission to post these photos so I could share with you guys. It's hard for me to say what it is about them that pop out at me, I'm not one to critique art, I just know what I like.

The tones are subtle and mysterious, in the first piece 'Vertibral' I am resonating with all my years as a massage therapist and connecting with the spine in a different way. So many people, myself included, use screen type materials in their work and I find myself tiring of it but here it makes so much sense and feels so right. The spine itself, I just want to pull on each handle(?) or at least slide my index finger in there and clasp the front with my thumb and just HOLD on. Few mixed media pieces make me want to interact with them physically and this one does just that.

This next piece, 'No Trespassing', again, uses screen and grid which makes so much sense and locks the piece down. You feel like you will be put into jail if you trespass. That large grid is nasty looking in a good way. And that handle on the right gives this piece a suitcase feel, I want to grab it and run away. It's messy and busy in a perfect way. There is balance and just enough. I feel like these are perfection. I want to see more. I want to know more. That's what these pieces do. They make me jealous. There aren't any photographs in them like how I use. It's collage that I can stomach. Words usually distract me but these make sense and feel like they have purpose and power. It's not a perfect square either. There is overlap. These two pieces are like their own found art objects. They feel natural, like they have already existed and weren't man-made.

I look at them often. They inspire me. He has some other works on his site that I feel intrigued by, like this guy is onto something different and its refreshing! These works are on one page near the bottom (I couldn't find an individual post for them) so go check them out and get inspired. Thank you Steve for letting me post your work, it is incredible!

possible sale and a stroll on the bike path

I got a call from the gallery today, someone is interested in this piece: Exoplanet, except they want to hang it whereby it will be visible from two rooms (back and front) so I needed to go there and look at the back and see if I think I could attach a duplicate photograph to the backside and they need to take it home and see if it fits the area they have in mind. I've always wanted to make some art that would be viewed from both sides so it will cool to do....I just wish I could start fresh but these are the only scrap pieces I have like this. There is also the fear about my photograph printer guy not being around anymore. I haven't heard from him, my emails have gone unanswered the last few months. Part of why I've not been feeling very art inclined, I'm at a loss what I would do without him. I've said before the two places nearby I've tried didn't work out for me. I've just tried to avoid it all and so far that has worked just fine for me, yeah right...hence no art. I have to say I'm more motivated hearing from the gallery owner that my Mixed Media Photography always gets a lot of attention. In a large gallery filled entirely with painting and sculpture I think that is pretty cool. It sparked some life back into me being able to talk art with someone who spent a moment with me in his office talking about my 'career' or lack thereof.

Thought I would take a walk today on the bike path, long as I was out and so was the sun. Getting in the habit of bringing my little shit camera just to take pictures and stay in the habit. I like this little corn maze area, I like how it already looks like as far as it's concerned, nice weather and corn growing is a coming. You can see Mt. Mansfield in the distance and the ski slopes. Pretty stunning anytime of year.

found and in waiting

Mystery scrap I gotta go back for. I walked down to stowe today and was busy picking up found gloves, plastic, etc. when I saw this on the side of the road. At first, as you might imagine, I believed this was some mutant railroad plate. I didn't touch it, (had my nice REI gloves on) and knew it was too heavy to cart around. I will be back to nab it. Tod thinks it's part of a plow part. Anybody?

frugal artist

This one is for Ellen. Okay its a little gross maybe, but I've been meaning to take a picture of my soap for the last few months. I think it was last fall I wrote a post about being minimal in my life and how I've used the same bar of soap for almost a year. (which by now is over a year) Gross? I don't think so. How do you make a bar of soap last that long if you bathe every day? duh, you don't put the soap in the water. You pick it up and dip it or your hands and keep it from dissolving by keeping it mostly dry. We use well water here, water is in abundance, I take a bath nearly every night and that bar of soap gets used. For what its worth, it takes me about a year to use a large bottle of shampoo and I wash my (long) hair every 4 days. A little dab will do ya just fine.

I think of how long I've managed to keep a bar of soap every time I look at it. I feel good about it. And there is a feeling of this is how I like living, how I like using things up and not wasting things. It's probably why I make the kind of art I do too. I use up everything. All my food leftovers get made into a quiche or soup or something strange. All the little scrip scraps I find on the road as I walk or drive, get picked up and used in art. It keeps me alive and creative trying to implement discarded things, saving things and using them up to the last drop. There is a fine line between doing that and becoming some out of control hoarder. More and more I want my environment to have art in it and only the basics. Me and Tod have this fantasy that one day we can have an open house of sorts and every once in awhile just sell everything (furniture I've made, art) in our 'home' and then I can start all over again making things. That's the plan. Get it while you can.

quote

Just finished an interesting memoir by Mary Gordon, throughout the book she refers to Pierre Bonnard's life and work and the kicker was the end page, Mary says that Bonnard spoke about the artist's granting human value to objects, he spoke of distance; he spoke of vanishing. I have never heard that and it woke me up...Artist's Granting Human Value to Objects. TATTOO THAT ONTO YOUR HEAD PAULA.

a quote from him:

"Speaking when you have something to say is like looking. But who looks? It is because people have no idea how to look that they hardly ever understand."

At the end of his life, Bonnard said, "I am only now beginning to understand. I should start all over."

This was a strange, and at times hard to digest book, I can't say I've ever read anything quite like it.

dreary trauma

I had to go to burlington today, need more puzzle pieces for my extraordinarily hoggish piece. On my way I meandered. In south b-town there is an art installation that has been there for a few years, it is a stack of filing cabinets. I was in my car so it aint the best photo. Gots to give you guys something to look at since I'm not making art for show. How long can an art blog last without art being posted?


I actually went to walmart today. I hate myself for going there. But I needed masking tape and so far my looking around has left me empty handed. I still didn't buy any, they charged too much. I knew I should have just ordered some online. Anyhow, when I parked I saw this on the ground just under another vehicle. It was the most bleary dreary ugly day outside, seeing this in the parking lot cheered me up and made me less self loathsome for having stopped in there. I tell you what, I aint missing NOTHING by being out there. Its just busy and gray, I blink in disbelief at all the ugly houses all crammed together and wonder how people live where they do. What am I going to do to get going on finding a way to live in my own specialized un house looking house away from the masses? I doubt I would ever make art again if I had to live in those hell holes. Seriously. How would you like to look at this house everyday, it isn't a hell hole but the color is enough to gag a sow. Ya I know....who am I to judge. My judges have judges. Stop judging Paula. Stop it!

melt

oh yea, the snow is melting, to me, now that i'm an east coaster, what i personally look forward to in the spring is the scrappy stuff that will be in abundance once the snow is gone. today i went on the smallest of walks and found a bunch of plastic and rubber from a car accident earlier this winter. finally i can start walking with my baggies and fill em up with goodies. flowers? squawking birds? bugs? mud? you can have em, i'll take the roadside garbage.

first kiva art sale!

I woke up to a sale on ETSY! Thank you to the first person who is taking me up on my Art for Kiva Loans! You can see my Kiva page here. It feels extra exciting to sell some art when I know that a chunk of the sale is going first towards helping someone else who is trying to make their own life better.

I thought it appropriate and fitting to post a photo of a postcard I got in the mail yesterday from my dear friend Shara who I met via the blogstreams over two years ago, is that possible it was that long ago???? I've watched her blog change over time and morph more into a place to express her artistic side. Occasionally I've gotten personalized art in the mail from her and it makes my day. (she gave permission for me to post the photo).

It was because of her that I did the NANO writing thing last November. Sometimes you meet people online that you would think you have nothing in common with and then everything changes and you realize you have found a kindred spirit who gets you and you them. It always blows my mind that there are people out there who accept you, spur you on and just allow you to be who you are without any pressure whatsoever. So thanks again for the thoughtful art card and being out there! And thank you to everyone who has bought art or stopped by the blog and left a kind comment! I'll stop now so I don't scare anyone with my happy.

exerpt part II of 'The Art of Finding Me' memoir

Click here to read Part I of my memoir I wrote last November. These posts are the final pages of the memoir, I decided to post them as I feel they are relevant to who I am and where I am at and also to remind myself of the journey since the last month has felt so stagnant and icky.

Making art slows me down in a good way. I have always been one to rush through everything. I still have to watch myself sometimes, to remember to slow down and let things happen naturally and not push it. Look, I'm not doing anything earth shattering and I'm certainly not the most amazing artist out there, but I know the process IS amazing, the outcome not always so, but the process always. For the first time in my life I can do something and more often than not, not worry. Not judge. Get lost in the moment and just enjoy the ride. In the beginning I had to finish the piece the moment I knew what I was going to do. I had to figure it all out in one chunk of time. I had to put it together as fast as I could and get it up there on the wall. That is no longer the case. In fact I am almost the exact opposite now. I will do just a little and leave, or stay with it and explore other possibilities with just a little less urgency. It is in the space, just like as in music, it is the lack of sound that makes you notice the melody; so too in making art it is the lack of doing that allows for more to happen. Time away lets me think about how I can better construct it. I take as much pleasure and interest in what goes on behind the scenes of my art than what is obvious to the viewer. Those were hard lessons to learn but fortunately that first gallery I got into was willing point out my flaws and allow me to take the art back and redo it so it was better constructed. It should be as beautiful on the back side as the front in my mind. Beautiful perhaps in a different way, but beautiful nonetheless.

I'm finding myself. There is an art in that if you choose to view it that way. God knows I certainly haven't viewed it as such until recently, let alone found even a speck of who I really was. There are probably as many ways to 'find yourself' as there are people. I'm not always proud of the things I have done in my life. Rarely am I graceful or eloquent around others. Far and few are the times I feel I have been truly kind and non-judgmental. I have lived my entire life in a capsule of fear, judgment, self loathing, anger and hate. I have tried several times to destroy myself and something just wouldn't let me take it to the end. Luck or stupidity has kept me here on earth and while there have been plenty of times have I attempted to find the real ME, most of the time I only found more misery. The search for the person that isn't afraid, who isn't judgmental, doesn't condemn everything and everyone, that search has only recently begun. That search has been ceaseless, tireless and mostly a complete failure. How could I have found the real me hidden under so many layers of dysmorphia? Of a lifetime of self abuse and genetic crud?

I’m finally done looking back. I honestly give my past little to no thought save for whatever happened a year ago or less. It doesn't seem to serve me anymore. Any lessons that I have learned used my past as a stepping stone and those stones are now buried under fresh soil. It is impossible for me to imagine my life the way it once was. I cannot fathom living with so much pain and distress. I realize that I was about as lost as you can be in life and still have freedom. Admittedly I still feel lost. I have no idea where I will live next, let alone how I will afford to live somewhere else. I am getting tired of living under someone elses' roof and have to keep reminding myself that this wont last forever and to use it up, use it all up while I can. The space, the time, the privacy and beauty that surround me on a daily basis is something that I should never take for granted. I have no idea how I'm going to make it, or what that will look like. I worry sometimes that I am kidding myself thinking that I'm going to really make it as an artist with the plethora of competition that is out there both in the real world and online. But the point was to find myself. To find out who I am and what I desire in this short time I am on this earth. When I remember all that I gave up in order to get to this point I know that life isn't the set way that we all make it out to be. You really can go towards something without knowing how you will get there, and in my case what exactly it really is. I know without a doubt that I am an artist and if I can continue to trust myself enough to keep moving in this direction that I will get closer to whatever 'it' is that I'm searching for. I know there is no end, not while you are alive, not if you are always searching and striving to experience the nectar that is life. I know it can be sweet and wonderful, I know it. I guess I did find myself didn't I? It was through art, to art, in art. Because of art. The journey towards art took me on a long road with many faces and places parting the way and lending a hand. It's pretty damn miraculous when I stop and take it all in. It's my own mini dream come true that I came out the other end, alive, happier and able to create art.

Because of art tod and I are still together as the best of friends and partners in life. We have somehow managed to work out a way to live with each other and be comfortable with however strange our relationship may seem to others. We aren't a couple in traditional terms but we genuinely care about each other and have a bond that goes beyond our selves. We have no idea most days about our life, but we still feel like we have enough similar interests and desires to keep moving forward together. I've never had anyone support me the way he does on an emotional level, I guess that isn't completely true. My homeopath as been there since day one, never tiring of me, never enabling me, always mixing the right amount of advice and remedies together to bring me closer to my true self. I have to do the rest, people can only take you so far but it sure as hell helps to have someone you can trust be there in the good and bad. It has been a true gift to have someone to look for scrap with, someone to stand there in the rain holding an umbrella over me while I fumble with my camera and tripod. How can I second guess myself when I have someone standing right next to me jumping for joy when I sell art? Someone who travels to scrap yards or auto yards on his own in another state while visiting his mom just to find me shit to put on my RR plates? Who else would do that? Who else would let me take over nearly every square inch of our living space with MY art and My supplies and My tools? He is as obsessed as I am. He brings me home scrap while he is out there driving that damn cab all over Vermont. He got himself out of debt and has spent hundreds of dollars on my art to show support and give support so I can continue working with as little interruption as possible. That is above and beyond what anyone could hope for, let alone ask for.

And even now, I still don't understand 'art'. What it means for me to be an artist other than the learning and the joy it brings me. I've yet to jump to the next level of really living the life of someone who feels empowered by their trade, by themselves. If I could be half as trusting and creative in my real life as I am in my creative life I wonder how different it would look. As it stands, without even trying too much I find myself living in such a way that few could comprehend the freedom I have. I don't wake up at a certain time each day or have certain duties I have to perform. More often than not I do whatever I want, which is go work on my art. Day in and day out. Whether it is online networking, marketing, taking pictures of my work, cleaning new found objects or searching for more. Not a day goes by that I'm not doing something that is directly related to art. I often think that art is my lifeboat and I just gotta hold on and allow it to take me wherever it wants to go. Maybe that’s the art of finding me. Allowing myself to be taken on a journey peacefully, not kicking and screaming and to trust myself and trust life. We all die. We all suffer. We all have demons and challenges in life yet some of us endure it with more grace than others. That is my biggest hope for myself, that I may live a life that is free from self recrimination and fear. If I work on that, just as I work on my art, one day I will get there. If I can live my life the way I work on my art, with patience and peace, with acceptance and interest rather than kicking and screaming half the time, maybe I will get there. Maybe I’m already there and I don't even know it. It is the journey and not the end isn't it. It is an art. Finding me.

submit your link/art for kiva

If anyone else decides to set aside some art specifically to sell and use part or all of the money towards a loan on KIVA, let me know and I will post you on my sidebar along with myself and Ellen. See post below for info. Provide a link so I know what to link to. I just made up how I was doing it, it is a little different than Ellen, be creative and lets see if we can generate some flow in the universe not only for art sales but to help others elsewhere who are trying to help themselves!

My kiva page is here.

borrowing brilliance

Ellen posted a brilliant idea, selling art and sending the money directly to Kiva via gift certificates. Kiva is a site that has been set up to give loans to people in other countries, specifically entrepreneurs or communities who are trying to start or keep businesses afloat. I know of people who have done this and they do get their money back faster than you'd believe. I'd like to extend a similar offer on a few pieces of art that I too feel the need to get out there to the universe. YOU pick the person you want to loan the money to and let me know who it is via email link, after your purchase is completed through me I will send the money to whomever you choose, once that transaction has been completed I will email you proof of the loan information. You will be benefiting both the artist and someone who is also needy in another country as they will get the $$ first and when they pay it back, I will have been helped as well.

I'd like to start with these clocks of which three are left @ $75.00 (free shipping), you can contact me directly if interested. Also I will loan $100 from each RR Clock sold. I am really inspired by the idea of loaning through Kiva as I'd love to be able to help others but don't have the funds to do it myself, this truly benefits two or more people at once!

Regardless of if you buy art at this time, I hope some of you at least get turned on to a great site/idea, that helps people help themselves. You can view my Kiva page here.

Here are some stats from Kiva:

Total value of all loans made through Kiva: $62,148,385
Number of Kiva Lenders: 454,544
Number of loans that have been funded through Kiva: 88,869
Percentage of Kiva loans which have been made to women entrepreneurs: 77.94%
Number of Kiva Field Partners (microfinance institutions Kiva partners with): 95
Number of countries Kiva Field Partners are located in: 44
Current repayment rate (all partners): 97.78%
Current default rate (all partners): 2.22%
Average loan size (This is the average amount loaned to an individual Kiva Entrepreneur. Some loans - group loans - are divided between a group of borrowers.): $427.65
Average total amount loaned per Kiva Lender (includes reloaned funds): $136.86
Average number of loans per Kiva Lender: 3.76